Why wait so long to be happy?

It’s only one reason, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of hurting someone. I know … oh boy do I know. I spent YEARS in a marriage where I felt like nothing more than a pay-cheque and a piece of furniture. When I told him I was lonely, he’d tell me that was bullsh!t.; nothing like having your feelings nullified, and completely disregarded. I thought our downfall was communication, but it wasn’t, it was trust. The trust was not only broken, but ruined early on. I believe (to this day) that trust can be broken, then earned back. When one heart is open to fixing things, and the other heart is committed to doing whatever it takes to gain the trust back, I truly believe it can happen. I’ve SEEN it happen, but that was not the case for me. After having my trust broken, when I was at my most vulnerable, I was asked to offer a chance, to trust that he’d do the right thing and be honest with me. I did … then found out, years later, he’d continued to lie about things.


It didn’t matter what happened after that, what we tried, what we wanted to work, the foundation was destroyed and it was impossible to rebuild. It’s not that we didn’t try, and in the end he tried as well, I believe that, but I think at that time we were just afraid to fail, even though we were NEVER going to succeed. He’s not a bad man, I’m not a bad woman, we just weren’t right for each other. It took me a LONG time to accept that. I’d say too long, but it wasn’t, I learned at lot of lessons, what I want, more importantly what I don’t want. What I need and what I need to give to my partner, to be happy. I have the two most amazing sons, and finally a best friend, who blossomed into the love of my life.

The most amazing thing about my love now is that it’s SOLID. Even the baggage from my past, and the baggage from his, is something he and I can discuss openly and comfortably. We’re not perfect (granted we’re so close it’s scary ;) but we’re happy, we communicate, we enjoy one another and our life together. We want the same things, we want to be together, and we want the other to be as happy as we are. It’s ALL positive, it’s all good, and it’s what love should be.

When I started telling people about the divorce, and how different and incredible my life is now, many people are open with their woes. So many people are unhappy, something is holding them back, whether it’s the tools to fix what’s wrong in their relationship, or leave to be happy alone, or find someone else. I know that fear, I lived it, and fortunately with the support and love of my friends and family, I was able to choose to be happy. I hope those that I come across have the opportunity to be happy as well.

Living the dream

Shawn likes to call me Supermom.  It warms my heart he thinks that, but to me every mom is a supermom.  It's not easy, balancing a career, your house, your kids, yourself.  I'm at home with two sick little gifts.  They slept in the same bed last night and at 4:00 am I'm stripping and showering the oldest gift as he's sound asleep in a puddle of puke.  The youngest gift came into my room saying "my pillow is dirty".  Ugh.  I think oldest gift was sick, but youngest gift is running the fever.
Either way, I'm at home with both of them today.  It's an extra long weekend, a pokemon marathon and hopefully (when the washing machine repairman shows up) a laundry marathon ... starting with the bedsheets!

Mom fail :(

So, this past weekend, the eldest gift was invited to a classmate's birthday party.  I didn't have the boys with me this weekend, so I arranged with 1stH to take him.  We pulled up, wine in hand, gift she'll love, ready to party and the other guests were leaving.  D'oh.  The end time, not the start time was what I had noticed on the email from her mom.

SHYTE

Oh well, fortunately BBE and I really like the parents and we hung out with them!

Being in tune with your love

Ok seriously, it even possible to have a sympathy migraine?  Friday night Shawn came home from work early as he was suffering from a migraine.  And when I say suffering I mean it.  He gets the visual disturbance, then physically ill and a blinding headache.  I've seen him go through these, they drain him, and it's painful and exhausting.

So, this beautiful Sunday morning I wake up with a debilitating headache.  I used to get migraines in my late teens, starting with the visual disturbance to the point I'd loose my vision until the pain ended.  I know how much these suck, but seriously I haven't been suffering from them throughout the years.  Am I so emotionally connected to Shawn that I catch his migraine?

Off to listen to "Love Hurts" ... but I wouldn't trade him for perfect health and super powers ... just sayin.

I saw the sign ....

Not that I've doubted it, but Valentines Day proved again that Shawn and I truly are the perfect pair!  We got each other the EXACT SAME Valentines Day card.  It's indescribable to have someone so in tune with me.  I love him ... in an EPIC once in a planet's life time kinda way!

Decadent savings! $$$$$

I REALLY love saving money.  I get excited to see my bank account grow.  My boyfriend constantly says "are you winning at your favourite app again?" because I'm constantly on my banking app making sure everything is right. 

My former life was very different.  A deal was made more than a decade ago that I would give up management of the funds to prevent fights.  1stH and I had DRASTICALLY different views on money.  I'm the Scottish Virgo of a Single Mother aka CHEAP.  He figured debt was a standard part of life, live it!  We were constantly refinancing to get out of financial troubles.  Fortunately I've been able to turn things around in the New World Order and BF has the same views on money as I do.  Don't get me wrong, we'll spend money (and quite a bit of it) but frugally and on only what truly matters.

With this in mind, I thought I'd share some of my favourite tips.  Last Sunday morning BF and I went out for a crepe breakfast for two and had Mimosas ... sounds expensive right?  It actually cost us $5.20 (because I'm a good tipper).  Here's how we did it.

WagJag bucks- Because I subscribe to Telus (I love their calendars and they've got fair plans and good customer service), they reward me with $10 in WagJag bucks every month.  While it would be nice if these bucks accumulated, they expire every month, so I jump on them.

Telus Perks Info

So, using my Telus WagJag bucks, I constantly surf WagJag for deals in my area.  One of my FAVOURITE restaurants does a $30 for $15 so I usually snag one or two of those every few months, but this month I spotted a 2 crepes and 2 large coffees for $10.00 (value of $21.50) on my list.  SCORE.  I scooped this up using my credits so it cost nothing (you just had to pay the tax which was $1.30 and I tipped $4.00).  The crepes were delicious and BF and I defiantly plan to head back there again.

We then hit the LCBO to see if there was any of our favourite local Microbrewery Beer  Flying Monkeys Available, but unfortunately they were out of stock (we'll have to hit up the brewery downtown), but they were sampling Mimosas! 

Wheeeee ... it was a very decadent morning of savings ... which is my favourite kind!   

A sad reminder ... of how fragile it is

It's my "single mom" feeling week.   Shawn's working nights, so while we're in contact via text, I'm running the show at home solo.  The gifts are currently in the bath, having been fed and filled out their Valentines Day cards for their classmates.  Chores are done, and it's time to get clean, into jammies and enjoy the night whether the choose Pokemon on TV or minecraft on the computer.

While taking a break and playing some games on facebook, one of my childhood friends IM'd me that someone I knew had passed away this morning.  CANCER.  God, the word is scary.  The woman who passed is not much older than me, and was my section leader in marching band when I was a teen.  She was a role model and a strong woman.  My friend didn't have a lot of details, just that it had gone to her brain after being diagnosed in December.  A life of a strong woman, cut way too short.

So, no matter what you're doing, just squeeze ever moment of happiness and love out of this life.  Tell those that you love that you DO love them.  Don't be afraid to live the life that makes you happy.  Be happy, life is simply too short.

Goodbye Cathy, I'll remember you fondly and I'm sad you were taken too soon.

A lost gem

*giggles*

I went back and read this ... I think I'm going to take a bottle of wine into work ... and give it to my awesome boss!

Rant From A Cube

So, as I eluded to yesterday, things have changed rather dramatically for me.  I took some time and enjoyed reading through some of my past posts ... it's true, hind sight really is 20/20!

The ex-husband is now officially someone elses problem.  We were great parents together, but that really was it.  It was two adults inhabiting the same space, and while I accepted that for a long time, it had to change, and if finally did.  I got the house, we split custody, he stayed here until his new house was ready.  It was about as amicable as ending a 20 year relationship could be.  There were tough times, but it was the right thing, I haven't doubted that for a moment.

The addiction, turned best friend, turned love of my life, Shawn.  We were friends, we hung out, we talked (a lot!).  I did my best to set him and girl trainer up.  He was head over heels for her, but she just couldn't see the amazing man standing in front of her.  Her loss, eventually my gain.  Time and again, I told him he could do better.  Time and again, he told me I deserved more.  Eventually we both saw what was standing in front of us.  A best friend, a lover, a partner, the other piece missing from us.  He treats me like a princess.  I'm spoiled rotten by this beautiful, thoughtful, romantic man who makes me the center of his universe.  I miss him desperately when he's not with me, and I thrive in his presence.  I love him, more than I knew was possible.  Our foundation is trust, respect and friendship.  Nothing is more solid than that!

My work is still amazing.  I love my boss, as I emailed in that I wouldn't be in yesterday due to the storm, he promptly told me to stay put.  He empowers and supports his staff, I want to retire from this place!  In the absolute polar opposite, LBM (Lunatic Boss Man) from one of my former employers (see the blog rantfromacube) finally had karma come up and bite him in the ass.  Apparently he'd been stealing from the company (the company owned by his Uncles) and they finally caught him and fired him.  Rumour has it he'll be sued .... I'll be following this story closely.

So, here we are, underneath a blanket of snow from the Blizzard of '13 (Nemo) and I've never been happier.  Apparently life does begin at 40.  I've got so many amazing things to look forward to this year.  GenCon where they'll preview a movie I have a speaking part in, meeting some of the most amazing women I've been blessed to have gotten to know in the past 8 years, hanging with the little gifts, spending as much time as I can with the love of my life, working at a great place.  Yep, here's to 2013!

Lazy kitty

So, I have been pretty lazy when it comes to blog world lately!  I guess like everything else it comes and goes in cycles.  I've been meaning to blog again lately.  I've been thinking about it for about a month.  Now that I've discovered a couple of friends blogs to stalk, I should get off my rock and join the fun.

Yes, life is very different in Canadian GeekDom today.  My world is different enough that I'm going to have to update my info.  Of all things I miss from the past, really, it's just the Bulldog.  He went with the ex.  It was the best thing for my beloved first born boy, but I miss him.