You are BEAUTIFUL!

Obviously my weight and body image has been on my mind (see last post).  BBE is INCREDIBLY supportive (as he truly understands body image issues) and suggests ideas without making me feel guilty for not executing them for my “excuses”.  Again (like always) BBE just rocks. 

I’m reading an article, one of many that speaks to me, on “how to be happy”.  I nod and smile as I’ve learned some of these incredible truths in the past few years, not worrying what others thing, that failure is often where growth comes from, etc. but one line today jumped right off the computer screen at me.

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

Wow … just wow.  I read that through a few times and let the reality really sink in.  In my previous life I often complained I felt like a pay cheque and a piece of furniture.  I know how hard it is when someone doesn’t appreciate or care about what you truly offer.  While BBE often tells me I’m beautiful, he makes me feel it.  I know he’s not just looking at exterior beauty, but that which shines from within.  From me being so proud of myself for managing our house, and saving us money on things we spend on.  From working to clean up the boys bathroom (but I left the clogged toilet in the boys room to him, he’s magical, I am not), to just getting the mundane tasks done.  When I have no makeup on, I’ve got my hair pulled back and I’m in filthy sweats, he not only tells me I’m beautiful, but he makes me believe it.

He loves me, for more than just my killer smile and pretty eyes, he’s with me for my mind, body and soul … and I am luckier than most people on the planet because of this.

Here’s the link to the enture article, it’s a good read!  

The mommy wars, FAT version.

I belong to an amazing group of women.  We met on a site 8+ years ago, and when that site did some upgrades, we migrated to a FB page.  It’s very LOW drama, and generally the women there get along and are helpful and supportive.  I’m not saying we all sign kumbai and cyber hold hands, but based on some other “private” groups I’ve seen, we really do this well. 

A few days ago I posted a WWYD (What Would You Do) regarding custody, favours and history with an ex-spouse.  While I was expecting a bit of a kick in the pants (I love these women because along with kind, they’re generally honest) but one of the moms (honestly the one I expected it from the least) went off the deep end and cyber ”tore me a new one”.  Ok, she must have been having a bad day.  I responded to her post with what I hoped was cool kindness, and the situation seemed relatively diffused.  Life goes on, no big deal.

Today one of the mom’s posted an interesting article from a fitness mom (that’s her job, she’ works in a health club) with a muscle toned body and her three young boys with the title “What’s your excuse?”  She wanted to know how we all felt about it.  It was pretty common that “what’s your excuse” as a motivator is negative, but things that motivate people to get into shape are generally good.  So … “good for her, but I’m never going to look like that” was the most common consensus.  Ok, if I worked 8 hours a day in a gym, I would EXPECT to be in great shape.  But I don’t.  I work 9.5 hours a day at a computer, drive 2.5 hours a day (with no traffic, weather or accidents) for work.  I need to sleep at least 9 hours a night, that leaves me 3 hours.  Oh yes, I like to spend time with my boys, pack their lunches, organize their clothes, do laundry, eat, clean the house …. Ok, I have exactly 1.5 minutes per day to work out.  Is that an excuse?  Well, I could work out on weekends, or on weeks the boys are at their fathers, but sometimes I just need to chill!  It’s not an excuse, it’s a matter of priorities, and apparently, at the moment, my priority isn’t to enter the Ms World contest. 

I wonder if the woman in the picture goes home and works out more?  When she’s done working for the day is she developing exceptional brand presentations to further the company’s corporate goals?  No … really then, what is her excuse?

Ok, my rant about that done, but back to my women’s group.  I was good when it was all “good for her, but I don’t have time”.  Then some of the mom’s are like “oh I hate it when people say they don’t have time, they’re just not making it a priority.  GEEEEZZZZ.  Ok, I made time for it last year, worked out 3 hours a day 6 days a week because I had the buffer to do it (was still living with exh and he would be home with the kids).  I don’t have time, could I do more?  Sure, will I look that that woman, or any person whose JOB it is to work on their body?  Nope, so lay off the “you have the time, you choose not to make it a priority” lines, that’s obnoxious.

So many conflicting emotions

It was a tough weekend, and it was because of cancer.  On Friday of last week, I took a darling 5 year old bundle of purrrr and love and had him put down because of Lymphoma.  He’d dropped a LOT of weight and was literally skin, bones and fur.  He was horribly dehydrated and it was because he likely hadn’t eaten or drank anything for a few days.  The lump was in his throat and it was obvious he was exhausted.  He’d been hiding in the lil’est gifts closet during the day and then snuggling with me when I watched tv at night.  Having had another (older) cat have cancer, I recognized the signs and new taking him in I was likely going to say goodbye to him.

Darling BBE was working evening shift and told me over and over that we had the funds to help him.  Not to worry about the money.  He’s a cat lover as well, but he was watching me agonize over the pain this poor animal was in.  I was there by myself (although I know he would have been there with me if he could have been) and I had to make the decision, either euthanize him or treat him.   When the doctor said “cancer” she asked what I wanted to do next and honestly I didn’t even think, I simply said “we should let him go”.  It was out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

Going home with an empty cage was very painful.  Every time I looked at it, I broke down crying again.  My instincts had told me I’d done the right thimg for Myles, but I was starting to second guess myself.  Was I selfish?  Was I being cheap?  Should I at least have TRIED some options if there were any, hell, shouldn’t I at least have asked?  Yep, the guilt was starting to get me.  Fortunately for me, BBE came home from work early.  He wouldn’t hear any of my “oh don’t worry about me, I’m fine” protest, I was a mess, and he knew that, and he wanted to be with me.

I was going about what was planned to be a fun and adventurous weekend, trying not to dwell on the guilt that was bothering me, then, out of the blue, my former sister-in-law called me.  She had a question that was work related for me, but also told me how her cat (16 years old) had been diagnosed with the same illness in early September.  When she and her daughter (my 26 year old niece) found out, they weren’t ready to say goodbye and opted for treatment.  She told me about the steroid shots and pain killers … and how it was simply heartbreaking to watch her suffer for another two weeks.  At the end of two weeks, they decided to say goodbye to their beloved cat.  She praised me for my strength in making a difficult and selfless decision.  Wow, that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  She not only saved my weekend, but picked me up enough that I was ready to go out and get another little bundle of purring love.  I have my beautiful little torti tabby adjusting to my house in the bathroom.

Coincidentally, it was the “Run for the Cure”, a race to raise funds for cancer research.  This same former sister-in-law ran with my other former sister-in-laws, one who is a breast cancer survivor.  I get it, we need to fight for a cure, and I’m so happy my former sister-in-law beat this horrible disease, when fighting makes sense, god dammit FIGHT!  But when it’s truly the end, why are we more “humane” to animals, allowing them to peacefully and gracefully end their suffering.  I hope (god forbid) I’m ever struck with a terminal illness, that we have the HUMANITY to end suffering.

Reason 4,248 why the mean girls hate me

I’ve worked here for just shy of 2 years.  The department was in chaos when I first started.  One person (who I replaced) retired with no notice a couple of months prior and another was off on “stress level”.  That left TCW (toxic coworker) trying to hold down the fort and during my interview, act as if nothing was wrong.  She actually did a good job and it earned her Senior to her title earlier this year.    Then FCW (flakey coworker) was promoted into the stress puppy’s job and everything seemed right with the world.  Three women, ready to take our industry by storm.  We had lunch together every day, chit chatted a lot, griped about husbands (A LOT) and basically were thick as thieves. 

After about 6 months things changed, and rather dramatically; I decided that I needed to stop bitching about my life (specifically my marriage) and CHOOSE to be happy.   No one was going to do it for me; I had to do it myself.  So, I separated from my then-husband, buckled down at work and did an awesome launch, focused on me, my health, my best friend, my kids and my job.  It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

Now life is very different, I’m SPOILED with love.  Those who truly love me and are my friends are thrilled to see me so happy.  I’m enjoying my job, I have a VERY busy schedule with my kids and the love of my life.  We do things together.  We go to Toronto to our favourite brew pubs and bistros.  We attend beer and / or wine tasting events.  We explore, we’re having fun, all of it together or together with the kids.  Today we had a babyshower lunch for and awesome coworkers.  This awesome coworker has met (and had lunch with) my boyfriend and since he was on nights, I invited him to the lunch as well, I knew ACW would like that.  Of course when TCW & FCW walked in they were surprised.  Even thought TCW’s husband had worked with our company for a year (recently) she NEVER would have invited him. 

The problem is, they’re women stuck in relationships that aren’t working for them.  TCW has made it clear (to me during the friendly times) that she’s just sticking it out for the kids.  When her youngest goes off to University (5 years from now) she plans on handing her husband walking papers.  WOW.  FCW cycles through liking her partner and hating him.  I think they’re poorly matched, but he’s cute and makes good money, so she’s putting up with it.  She really doesn’t think life could be better.  Now they’re watching me happy in love and spoiled rotten.  They will make snide remarks which I usually ignore, but their faces today, that I include my love in on this celebration was priceless.  Yep, bite me biotches!  I’ve chosen to be happy and go ahead and hate me for it.  Hate me because I’m beautiful too!

Where does the time go?

Seriously, where does the time go?  I don’t spend my weeks wishing for the weekends.  I don’t obsess on making work go by quickly to get to vacation time.  I don’t wish my life away, but it seems like the clock is spinning faster and faster these days.  Admittedly part of the reason I haven’t blogged lately was access issues (that’ll teach me to let the eldest gift have my google account on his tablet device), but I’ve got it back now and it’s time to blog.

I had a truly unique and wonderful experience today.  As a working mother, while I’m not racked with guilt, I do miss out on a lot of what goes on in the classroom with the gifts.  I help them with assignments and prepare for presentations but only hear how they go afterwards from the boys.  I get “it was okay” or “I don’t remember” … so it’s something I always miss out on.

Not today, and it was such a treat.  The eldest gift is in a very technology centric class (grade three and he’s required to have a tablet device with a camera).  I thought this was a bit excessive, but today I realized how great it is … FOR ME … that he has this.  The teacher videoed his “About Me” presentation, marked it and posted it to his google drive.  I logged on today from work and watched the presentation and saw the marks.  It was INCREDIBLE.  Instead of the not-focused, quiet spoken, goofy kid he was confident and articulate.  He put in some great detail into his presentation and spoke clearly.  He did well and the teachers’ comments and marks reflected that.  I was amazing to see how confident, well spoken and creative he is.  I was bursting with pride and joy.  What a gift to a working mother who misses her boys, but to have a video of a presentation he did for class! 

I’m one happy beanie spinning mom today!