WAIIIIIIIIIIIIT

Seriously, I need to slow down and catch my breath.  Things seem to be happening so quickly and life is just FLYING by.  I guess that’s what happens when you’re having fun, but it’s leaving me a tad breathless.  In less than two weeks I have my big wedding reception.  I’ve been reaching out to the caterer and the event manager, trying to tie up all the loose ends and I’m starting to feel a bit frantic.  I wanted to get the little gifts to try on their outfits last weekend, but as the weekend went by in a blur, that didn’t happen.  Crap, I still have to reach out to the butter tart place and order 100 butter tarts … and someone still needs shoes.  ARGH!  I know I’m forgetting something else ….

Right after the event, I have to get on a plane and fly to Arizona for an annual work conference.  There’s a lot of schmoozing and I have to train the sales team on the new products along with train my new coworker on the products she’ll be taking over … and I’m going to put together that presentation when???

After that, I feel like I can finally breathe.  I can’t wait to touch down in Glasgow, feel my spirit take a big sigh of relief as I return to the motherland.  I can’t WAIT to spend 11 days straight, uninterrupted by life, and work, and kids with the love of my life.  I’m looking forward to seeing Skye and sampling local fare. 

The other thing is also what I’m dreading.  I hate drama, I hate confrontation (honestly, who really likes that stuff?).  I want it all to be laughter and fun times, but I’m still nervous about my mother and the wedding reception.  Best case scenario is that she calls (or more likely emails) the day before that she’s not feeling well, that her back has gone out, that for one of a thousand reasons she can’t make it.  Worst case scenario is that somehow she actually does show up, and she pisses me off with one of her thousand nasty comments on my special day.  She’s never met my maid of honour (who is transgender) and I’m terrified she’s say something completely asinine.  I’m worried that she’ll say something mean to me and finally my darling husband will tell her off.  I don’t want her to ruin my day, I wish she was happy for me, involved in my life, helpful with the wedding, but she never has been, so there’s no chance she’ll start now.

I know I shouldn’t worry about things that are beyond my control.  My amazing husband loves me to the moon and back and will ALWAYS have my back.  The little gifts are over the moon excited about taking a ride in a limo.  We all can’t WAIT to see Auntie Michaela and Uncle Jeremy as we’ve missed them so much lately.  It’s going to be a wonderful day, and I’m trying not to let one person sabotage it.  I know the only one who truly can blow it is me, so I need to chill, make a list, mark things off, delegate, get shit done and look forward to the honeymoon.

Easier said than done.

Sigh!

I'm THAT mom

I’m not sure if I ever mentioned, but ever four weeks is different for me.  My custody schedule with 1stH is rotating every other week.  We co-parent well, there’s no tension or animosity, and we try to help each other out as much as we can, so I’m very lucky on that front.  BHE works shift work, two weeks days, two weeks nights.  Therefore my life goes as follows:

Week 1 – nuclear family.  BHE picks up the gifts from daycare and we do usual family stuff in the evening.

Week 2 – young couple in love.  The gifts are at their father’s so it’s just BHE and me every evening.

Week 3 – single mom.  The gifts are with me, but BHE is on nights so it’s the mom show.

Week 4 – single lady.  The gifts are with their father and BHE is on nights so I basically binge watch Netflix and have popcorn and wine for dinner.  AKA the week the house stays clean.

It took a while to get used to this schedule.  I’d find week 3 crazy and week 4 lonely.  I’ve come to love and appreciate each week for how special they are.  I’m VERY lucky that BHE is an AMAZING step-dad and handles the kids as if they were his own by blood. 

Last night (it’s currently week 3) the night looked horrific.  The littlest gift had an eye appointment.  He’d been complaining about blurriness at school, but fortunately still has 20/20 vision and 1stH had booked an appointment for him at 5:30 the same night biggest gift has cub scouts.  Ok, tough, but not unmanageable.  Then I find out that the biggest gift has an offsite cubs night that starts an hour earlier and ends at the same time.   CRAP.  I reached out to 1stH and asked him to take care of littlest gift eye appointment and we’d work the rest out.  After the eye appointment 1stH offered to keep the littlest gift for the evening, I checked with littlest gift and he wanted that too, so I happily accepted the help, it was garbage night and my chore load was heavy. 

After dropping off the biggest gift at the Art Centre (downtown), I ordered the fundraiser pizza for dinner, picked up the mail, went home, cleaned the rat cage, did the garbages, unloaded the dishwasher, ate dinner, went back and picked up biggest gift and came home again.  Normally I’d feel a little frazzled dragging the littlest gift around with me, but it all went off without a hitch.  Biggest gift had an awesome night at cubs, came home, had dinner, watched a bit of TV with me and went to bed.  Wow, all that and it was EASY!  I realized managing one less child than normal makes life about 30 x easier (particularly when it’s only your easy child you’re working with).

Biggest gift is getting vested into his cub pack next week.  When I spoke to BHE about it last night on the phone, I couldn’t remember the term “vested” so I just told him he was being jumped in.  Ya, I’m THAT mom!

How do you know … if he really loves you?

That’s right, mysterious (MIA) blogger girl has resurfaced … catch her quick, she’s likely to disappear again for a long stretch of time.  I’ve always used my blog as a way to either A) work through something that’s troubling me or B) entertain myself.  As you can see by my utter lack of blogging, I haven’t been overly troubled as of later … and FB games have been entertaining me well.

I find myself half way between my wedding (Nov 7, 2014) and my reception (June 21, 2015).  The wedding was the easy part.  Call the chapel, book it and they take care of everything, the reception, on the other hand has been a bit more of a challenge.  That being said, it’s all coming together nicely.  My location is AH-MAZE-ING!!!!  Not only is it a GREAT location, it’s by the water and the owners are absolutely spectacular.  The caterer is looking pretty fly and OMG BHE and the boys in their kilts?  To die for!

Everything has been coming up Millhouse lately (man, I really don’t want to jinx it).

Today, I found this on FB, and it’s so utterly true!

I said that to BHE just last night.  We had a lovely evening alone where he picked up our favourite Thai, had a beautiful bottle of wine chilled and even bought me a new coffee mug for work (it says “Good Morning Beautiful”).  *melts* words are that and while I love hearing him tell me that he loves me, it’s amazing to see it and feel it through his actions.  That’s how I know he REALLY loves me, he makes me FEEL loved … every … single … day!.

I know, I’ll always get butterflies with him and that’s just another of the thousands of reasons that I am the luckiest girl ever and the happiest wife in the world!

I still can’t wrap my head around it.

Admittedly I try to be a positive person, but I had the wind taken out of my sails this week by family.  My darling husband and I, who ran off to Vegas to get married, are finally having our Wedding Reception this June.    I had intended to have our reception on the last Sunday in June, but then work threw a wrench into my plans.  Our annual sales meeting got pushed back, clashing with the wedding, so I spoke to my darling husband and the venue we booked and we were able to move it up a week. 

I was at my mother’s in February, celebrating my sister’s birthday when I happened to mention a date change.  “oh hey guys, we had to move the date to the 21^st, and that happens to be father’s day”.  Immediately my brother-in-law was angry, “well that’s not going to work, can you move it to Saturday”.   Ummmm WTF?  My sister pipes in with “that’s our annual father’s day BBQ for his father, and he takes it very seriously”.  I’m shocked, I asked “can’t you do the BBQ on Saturday?”  My sister mumbles “I’ll see what we can do.”  I was surprised, I mean I get it, Father’s day is a big day, but surely his father would understand that a WEDDING takes priority.

So I went about setting up the event, sending out invitations and I got a scathing email from my mother.  She’s disappointed in me, that I wouldn’t move the date; that I’m being selfish.  I was floored.  This from the woman who said my Vegas wedding was tacky, that we left her out by running off to Vegas; this from the woman that EVERY TIME I make an effort to invite her up, she usually declines.  When my sister had her son (younger than both my two gifts) my mother posted to facebook of “I finally have a grandson”.  Who constantly complained about me going to my former in-laws to look after my boys when I needed help (because they would move heaven and earth to do so) the first time I asked my mother, she thought it would be better to have the 4 year old and 7 year old in the house while their father moved out (so I went back to the former in-laws and again they came to the rescue).  I’ve spoken about these incidents to a close group of friends on line and one of them posted “you’re just not a priority for them (meaning my mother and sister)” and the truth of that hit me like a wrecking ball.

So my brother in law isn’t coming, and I told my sister while I’m baffled at the extreme importance of Father’s Day for her family, I would never ask her to choose between me and her husband.  She should choose her husband, because if the roles were reversed, I would choose my husband in a heartbeat.  I also emailed my mother asking if she’d like me to help arrange a ride for her or if she’ll be opting out as well.   They keep telling me I’m only thinking of myself, that I’m being selfish, and they’re making me question myself.  I think of myself as a “do anything for family & friends” type of person, I don’t just help them move, I’d help them move a body, but to get treated like this, but those who are supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what … it’s heartbreaking.

I can breathe again

The last few weeks have been weighing heavily on me.  My dear friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  CANCER the word alone frightens me, and to have someone so young, so vibrant be afflicted was hard for me to wrap my head around.  Not only was she ill, but there was a chance she’d be going away, for the longest stretch yet.  Since she hasn’t live here permanently for a long period of time, she’s not covered by our provincial health care.  It’s not free (we pay for it in our taxes), but it’s there when we need it.  One of the drawbacks of it is that there tend to be some long wait times.  When you have cancer, the wait times are frightening.  Because of all of this, she was considering doing her treatment in Australia.  She has a good friend there, who’s also a cancer survivor and would be invaluable to her, through the process.   The wait times are much shorter there as well.  I knew she was leaning towards Australia and I knew it was going to be a 5 year commitment to her health, and even while she was going through the fight of her life, she’d be on the other side of the world.  I’d miss her, epically.

From the moment she told me all of this all I could respond with was “whatever you feel is best” or “wherever you’re going to get the best care is my vote”.  I had to make sure she made the best decision for herself.  Of course I wanted her here.  I want her close so I can hold her hand when her eyelashes are gone.  We can share a bottle of wine (or two) and talk about what we’re going to do when she “fights like a girl and kicks cancer’s ass”.  I wanted her to be here so I could help be strong for her; as she’s always been strong for me when I needed her.  She’s been so many things to me throughout the years, but above all, she’s been a friend and I want to be one for her too.

She’s chosen here for her treatment.  A wonderful friend in her life apparently pulled some strings and got her pushed up on the schedule.  She had a great meeting with her team at the hospital about time lines and plans and all the details and it made her feel good about choosing here.  I almost exploded with happiness.  Happy that she has finally chosen and has begun a plan.  Happy that she sounds eager to do this.  Happy that she’ll be here and not on the other side of the world for the next 5 years.   I feel so much relief, and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to help her through this.

I didn't even shed a tear

Sometimes I wonder if I'm broken.  If my normal meter is off.  This past weekend the Marvelous Miss M came up for a Christmas party.  I had a wonderful time hanging out with her.  Watching the little gifts interact with her.  There was tons of laughter, tons of wine and blissful happiness like there always is when she's around.

Then, after the little gifts were in bed, and my husband was off sampling beers at a friends, in the middle of my kitchen, she dropped the bomb.  It was cancer.  I knew there was something, but I was giving her the space to tell me in her own way.  Breast cancer, stage 2.  I hugged her, that was my first reaction, then tried to ask questions and let her tell the story.  The Queen of Irony proceeded to tell me who knew, and who was stepping up to help.  We talked all night, I sobered up VERY quickly at the news, and simply listened as she talked.  Quiet tears rolled down her cheeks every once in a while.

I listened, I wondered what I could do to help.  For some reason, and I'm not sure if it's denial or faith, but I'm not scared.  I KNOW she's going to pull through this.  I know she'll be at my wedding reception next year, drinking with FCW and running interference with my mother.  I know she'll spend weekends with us through the years.  She'll see the boys go to University and get married themselves.  

She's one year older than me, she's one of my favourite people in the world.  She's helped me become the person I am today, and come hell or high water, I'm going to do whatever I can to help her through this.

Trying to let it go

Don't worry, I'm not about to bust into some Frozen tunes, but I'm finding myself challenged at work currently.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job, like most of my coworkers and have a great boss.  I'm happier here than I've ever been at a job.  Most days are great, but right now I'm annoyed beyond belief and need to figure it out.

I work in a department of 4 women, one man and a male boss.  Most of the time it's harmonious and pretty laid back.  Right to the point of sometimes punctuality goes right out the window.  Last week we were pretty bad for it.  The boss will randomly come in late, and we'll all start to follow that pattern.  We all started to abuse the flexibility last week to the point where the boss sent an email about respecting the start times, but it only went to the ladies.  The other male coworker is one of the worst offenders, but that is actually a different story.  

This happens, it's cyclical, we get told to straighten up, communicate with the team better and obey the rules and we usually do.  This time, however, TCW is still running rogue.  We've been told to honour the start times.  There are two approved start times, either 8-430 or 830-5, and TCW continues to stroll in around 915.  She says she works until 6 but I know from personal experience, that when the boss leaves (usually by 5) she's out the door minutes later.  We're also supposed to let the team know what's up. She never does.  She wasn't in the office at all yesterday, and today I found out it was due to an "off site meeting".  She took an ENTIRE day off for a 1 hour meeting with a 90 minute drive on either side of it.  Then today, she strolls in after 915 again.

I know it shouldn't be my business, but she's been promoted (to a level above me) during my employment there and she's also had her workload reduced, where I keep getting more dumped on me.  

I know that life isn't fair, but it's not equitable and it's starting to really piss me off.  I could go to my boss, but I don't know how to voice my concerns without sounding like a whiner.  I could go to HR, but that's TCWs style, not mine.  I know that I should just let it roll off my back and let Karma get her, but I'm having a hard time letting this one go.