Schrodinger’s Friends

This is where I am at right now.  It is not a fun place to be.  Cancer; it sucks, we all know it sucks.  You know else, sucks, not knowing if someone you love is dead or alive.  I’ve had three hard cancer hits in the past few years.

Nicole – beautiful and brilliant mother of two.  Close to my age, her boys are close to my boys’ age.  Bile duct cancer (green ribbon).  When she was diagnosed, we all followed her journey.  Watched her battle like a warrior.  Watched her fight like her life depended on it, because it did.  She lost that battle and I felt a feeling of sorrow I’d never felt before.  Sad for her children who lost her.  Sad for her husband who loved her so much.  Sad for myself, and our group of friends, who had that beautiful light extinguished.  Sometimes a memory will come up on Facebook with her and I’m finally getting to that place where I remember her with love, instead of just the overwhelming sadness.  I miss her, I will always miss her, but I can mourn her properly.

Michaela – a beautiful and tortured soul who stood by my side as I went through one of the ugliest and hardest parts of my life.  While I tore my life to pieces, she always loved me for who I was, not who I tried to be.  With that help, I learned to love myself the same way.  She was forever off-balance, a wanderer (but not always lost), often uncomfortable in her how skin and constantly struggled to find her place in this world.  Breast Cancer (pink ribbon) of all things.  The irony was beyond painful.  I remember when she sat on the couch with me and cried as she told me.  Again, I believed she would prevail and my only real concern was that she would choose not to fight.  I was so grateful when she chose chemo.  I was certain she would be fine.  Caught early enough it can be treated.  My former mother in law won her battle, my former sister in law too.   She was younger and stronger than both of them.  She was my maid of honour at my wedding, she was my voice of reason often and when all else failed, my soft place to land.  I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.  She no longer responds to my texts.  I’ve searched her name for obituaries but haven’t found it.  She’s in Schrodinger’s box and it hurts.

Michael – a dear friend in a faraway land.  We have had a long and close friendship for over 15 years.  I remember the day my youngest was born, he called me while I was in labour.  I’d been in the hospital for over a week and he’d call me daily to keep me company.  I told him we would always be friends.  He’d know what University my child would go to.  I watched both of his children get married, the birth of his first grandchild.  I know the struggles with his wife, but he loved her dearly and would never leave her.  We watch me struggle with being me.  He supported me through my divorce and was thrilled that I found the love of my life and cheered me along all the way.  He’d always worked so hard for everything he had.  Finally, he was at a place in his life where he could enjoy his properties, his family, his life.  Brain cancer (grey ribbon).  He was given 3-6 months and that was 15 months ago.   We live on different continents.  I’d tried to keep up the cheerful, chatty emails but the responses got fewer and fewer over the months.  On Christmas day I reached out with a Merry Christmas note and got a terse note back that he was in the hospital.  I haven’t heard anything since.  I follow his Facebook page for news.  I follow his family’s pages for news.   A few brief, sad posts last week that make me worried he’s come to his end, and I’ll never know.  He’s in Schrodinger’s box too, and it really hurts.

In both cases, I don’t want to reach out to the families.  I don’t want to bring up any more pain than they’re already going through.  I’m not important in these situations, they are and I respect that the most.  Knowing where the end gives you a point to begin to heal and move on.  Maybe one day I’ll get closure, but until then, I’ll run my fingers along the tattoo on my left arm I got for the three of them.  

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

He knows me

Yesterday BHE decided to take an impromptu vacation day.  After coming down and seeing my cranky butt for lunch, he went to his work, booked off the day and went home.  The gifts were excited to see him as he was on nights this week, and they miss him when they don’t get to see him.  I’ll admit, I was really looking forward to going home as I knew he was going to be there.  This week is my “single mom” week where BHE works nights and I only get to see him for lunch (one day, sometimes twice) and on weekend.  His job has always been like this.  I’m used to it, while I’d rather he works straight days, it’s a good job and he is amazing at it.

  

Last night, I get home and I’m still in full single mom mode.  Figuring out how to feed the gifts, get the oldest to and from his rehearsal on the other end of town, realizing I don’t have to drag the youngest gift out because BHE is there.  I’m dropping things in hallways and on counters, looking around, checking the time, in my usual “just got home from work fluster” and BHE is standing in the kitchen, looking at me with his arms open.  He wants to give me a hug.  All of a sudden I melt into his arms and time slows down.  I take a deep breath and hug him.  Enjoying his warm, loving the connection, relaxing.  He knows me, better than I know myself.  He gets me to slow down, calm down and relax when I need it.

 

I always say he’s my rock.  I truly am the luckiest woman ever. 

Not ready yet to say goodbye

Cancer sucks.

I don’t know a single person whose life hasn’t been touched by cancer.  I lost my beloved grandmother at the age of 11 to stomach cancer.   Two years ago one of my best friends was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Unfortunately for her (and all of us who love her) the treatments didn’t work and she’s been end stage for about a year.  It’s a long time to die.

A year ago, one of my closes “mom friends” was diagnosed with bile-duct cancer.  She’s a beautiful, brilliant, happy woman.  My age, her boys close in age to my boys.  A super nerd (just like me) and a loving wife.  We had a lot in common and I considered her among my closest friends.  When she was diagnosed I sent positive vibes out into the universe for her to kick cancers ass!  I followed her journey on a cancer website, as she updated the successes and failures of her journey. 

Then, about 2 weeks ago, her husband updates her blog that the latest treatment didn’t work and she was coming to the end of her journey.  I was stunned, saddened, horrified, angry, grief-stricken.  But she’s so young!  But how will her boys and her husband go on without that incredibly bright light in their family?  We didn’t know if she had days or weeks, but he told us it wouldn’t be long after that.  Three days after finding out, she passed away peacefully in her husband’s arms.  I could almost feel a star go out, the world just became a bit dimmer without her brilliance in it.

The village that I knew her from, was a group of working mothers from all over Canada and the USA.  It had shrunk over time, but there’s still a closeness and a bond with this group.  We looked to each other for support to get through this.  I had suggested that we do a memory book of our best memories of her and send it to her husband and children.  Let them know how much she meant to so many people, how far her reach went.  I offered to collect the information and put it all together.  It’s been amazingly bittersweet.  In the beginning, every new story, every new picture, every old video sent me into another wave of tears and grief, but as I process through it, it’s making me smile.  Reminding me of how incredibly lucky I was to know and love this woman (and by extension her family as well).  Her husband was kind enough to come to our private group and offer his FaceBook profile to friend requests so we could continue watching her boys grow.  He’s a wonderful man and I can see why she loved him so much.

Remember, life is short and precious.  Enjoy every moment because it’s later than you think.   Tell the people you love how much they mean to you.  Remember the joys, forget the insults.  It’s not a dress rehearsal, this is the big show and go knock it out of the park!

Doing the mom thing right!

Following my friends on FaceBook, I often do the quizzes that my friends do, just to see how I fair, because the answers are sometimes hysterical or I just want to prove how epically Canadian I am.  Today a friend of mine did a word cloud.  I find these fascinating because it shows the words you often use and the more you use a word, the bigger it is in the cloud. 

Here is mine.

For a minute I was awash with guilt.  While both boys’ names are there, they’re TINY.  I thought “I can’t share that!” what will people think?  That I don’t talk about my kids enough?  Then it hit me.

• I’m not just a mom.
• I’m not just an employee.
• I’m not just a wife.
• I’m not just a family member.
• I’m not just a best friend.
• I’m not just a baseball fan.

I’m many things, all of the above and more.  I don’t live solely for my children and I’m not just “their mom”.  I’m a dynamic person with a lot of passions and apparently a lot of happiness.  BHE and I do a LOT of things together.  We go on adventures, we explore new things, and we get out and about so it’s obvious that he’d be the biggest name.  It’s obvious I’m living my best life full of love and happiness.

There’s no shame in my game.  I love my kids, they’re a very important part of my life and an important part of me, but I don’t live only for them, I live with them and they get to see what a happy and fulfilled parent looks like.  I know they’re happy and well loved and I’m thrilled with the balance and joy in my life.

Love songs on the radio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yW7w8F2TVA

This song, every time I hear it, I think of LML.  Like, makes me melty, swoony and almost a little teary.  I’m still amazed by how much I love this man, I still get hung up on love songs on the radio.  I still get butterflies when I see him.  So this is what it’s like to be in love with your best friend!  Cool!

A love for the ages

If you’re not a fan of my “OMG I love my husband so much” posts … you may want to skip this one. 

This past weekend LML and I went to his work Christmas party.  I’ve never experienced something on this scale.  There were about 3,000 people at the convention center.  We booked a wonderful hotel room at a spectacular rate.  It was a king suite on a corner so there were windows everywhere.  We did what we always do when we first check into a hotel …. Turn on HGTV and have a drink.  Cable is fun when someone else is paying for it.  Then we got all gussied up and headed out to catch the shuttle.  The party was really well done.  No need to drink and drive or pay for cabs, the company looked after everything. 

We walked into the main hall after checking our coats and it was beautiful; lighted seats and tall lit tables to enjoy cocktails and chat.  We got some drink tickets, grabbed a beverage and started to mingle.  We first met LML’s new sub-leader, a lovely man and his lovely wife.  I waited for LML to introduce me (which is weird for me because I usually introduce myself), but I know LML likes introducing me as “his wife” (and that makes me a bit melty!).  I went on to tell his sub-leader that he speaks rather highly of him and that made him smile.  We chatted a bit about the gifts and moved on.  Nice people, and I like to make people smile.

Later on, while at dinner two of LML’s coworkers found us and wanted to say hi.  I’d heard lots of stories on these two characters so I was rather intrigued to meet them as well.  I smiled, made small chit chat as one had been out east around the same time we were and the other has a second job installing floors and I’d love for him to do ours.  Just a few brief words and they were off.  LML and I had a lovely meal, a lot of beverages and enjoyed the entertainment.  Instead of staying late to dance the night away, we caught a shuttle back to our love hotel and enjoyed ourselves.  It was a really good night and I liked putting faces to the names from the stories I heard.

Well, yesterday was the first day back to work and you know there was going to be talk of the party.  I asked LML if there were any stories (3,000+ people and holiday party, there’s bound to be something), but LML didn’t hear any of it.  Just talk of people who enjoyed themselves and thought the company had done an excellent job this year.  One of his coworkers that I met told LML he was really impressed by me and asked him “how did you manage to get her?”  LML, in his overly modest way says “just lucky I guess”.

Let me clarify exactly how he got me:

• He treats me like the center of the Universe.
• He spoils me with incredibly thoughtful gifts constantly.
• He puts secret love letters in my luggage to delight me when I travel.
• He loves me and my boys as if we’ve all been together forever.
• He’s my best friend with the same weird sense of humour I have.
• He’s hot … seriously smoking HOT.
• He takes care of us, cooks for us, and helps out as a full partner and parent.
• He kisses me with a passion and fullness that makes me weak in the knees.
• He is a kind soul and generous with his time and attention to people who matter.
• He’s loyal, trustworthy, loving, generous, strong, affectionate and smart.

Honestly, I’m the lucky one and I thank those lucky stars every day that I found him and he loves me like no one else ever could.  Thank you LML, you are my Sun and my Stars, you are my forever!

Gratitude.

Ok, enough complaining for one day, time to change focus!  At our sales conference this year, our President focused his speech on the importance of Gratitude.  Wow, that was like a lightning bolt to me.  I’d written a very short speech (as I’d received the leadership award for the second year in a row) and my theme, as well, was gratitude.  I was grateful to my leadership team for allowing me the opportunities to grow, discover, fail and succeed.  I was grateful for all the team members that I had the opportunity to work with through company integrations, product launches, product discover and design and all the little details that make a company run.

Hmmmm

That sounds much more like where I’d like to focus.  Today a friend called me her hero.  I was gobsmacked.  Another friend is having issues in her marriage and we’re on a private board to talk her through it.  It’s a group of on-line friends (some of us have met in person) and we’ve been “together” for about 10 years.  Some married, some divorced, all moms who love their kids and are trying to do their best.  As this one friend is having issues, the other divorced mom and I jump sharing our experiences, in an effort to help and support.  I told the other divorced mom I was so proud of everything she’d accomplished on her own and raising an epic young man.  She turned around and told me I was her hero, younger, hot husband, two great kids, kicking ass at work … wow.  Sometimes you’re so mired in the muck of the forest, you forget about the beauty and wonder around you and it takes a friend to point it out.

So ya, I am grateful for having this job that pays me well and does recognize my efforts (9 awards in less than 5 years).  I am grateful for having a husband who loves me for me, makes me feel like the center of the universe, spoils me with his love, time and attention, and often the most thoughtful gifts in the world.  I’m really grateful to have two awesome sons who are kind, respectful, loving, strong and all around good people.  I’m grateful to have the most amazing group of women who live inside my iPhone and laptop, who I can reach out to that will lift me up, make me laugh, or offer to help hide the bodies when I need them. 

I’m really very lucky, and I’m so very grateful for it.

Special Days

There are many special days throughout the year; birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.  I am lucky enough to have three very special anniversaries to celebrate with the love of my life.  Each one is a moment in time, where we marked our commitment to one another in a special and loving way.

 March 13, 2013 – our first commitment day.

This one is rather unique and special to us.  He bought me a very unique and beautiful necklace to adorn my throat.  It’s light weight and made from titanium.  It’s a perfect circle and when I wear it, it has no beginning and no end, like our love for each other.  It’s a commitment because it can only be removed with a special key.  He carries the key on his key chain and I carry a spare in my purse.  It’s only ever been removed for medical purposes (I had an MRI done).  It goes through airport security with me, travels around the world with me. 

November 7, 2014 – our wedding day.

So proud of this story, we literally ran off to Vegas and got married.  It was spontaneous, plugged into technology (we live streamed it so our friends at home and around the world could watch).  It was silly, and funny, and truly lined up with our spirit of living life and enjoying it to the fullest.

June 21, 2015 – our wedding reception.

What an epic party!  We got all dressed up and celebrated.  IT WAS EPIC.  There were beautiful speeches (Michaela) and funny speeches (Jackson) and touching speeches (Ethan) and laughing, great food, wonderful beer, good friends, family.  Then we danced the night away!  I can’t even tell you if anything went wrong (well, people left early because they thought it was over, when they were just clearing tables for dancing) but nothing felt wrong and it was amazing.

So, add these three extra special days to all the other great days during the year and I’m truly one lucky lady!

How do you know … if he really loves you?

That’s right, mysterious (MIA) blogger girl has resurfaced … catch her quick, she’s likely to disappear again for a long stretch of time.  I’ve always used my blog as a way to either A) work through something that’s troubling me or B) entertain myself.  As you can see by my utter lack of blogging, I haven’t been overly troubled as of later … and FB games have been entertaining me well.

I find myself half way between my wedding (Nov 7, 2014) and my reception (June 21, 2015).  The wedding was the easy part.  Call the chapel, book it and they take care of everything, the reception, on the other hand has been a bit more of a challenge.  That being said, it’s all coming together nicely.  My location is AH-MAZE-ING!!!!  Not only is it a GREAT location, it’s by the water and the owners are absolutely spectacular.  The caterer is looking pretty fly and OMG BHE and the boys in their kilts?  To die for!

Everything has been coming up Millhouse lately (man, I really don’t want to jinx it).

Today, I found this on FB, and it’s so utterly true!

I said that to BHE just last night.  We had a lovely evening alone where he picked up our favourite Thai, had a beautiful bottle of wine chilled and even bought me a new coffee mug for work (it says “Good Morning Beautiful”).  *melts* words are that and while I love hearing him tell me that he loves me, it’s amazing to see it and feel it through his actions.  That’s how I know he REALLY loves me, he makes me FEEL loved … every … single … day!.

I know, I’ll always get butterflies with him and that’s just another of the thousands of reasons that I am the luckiest girl ever and the happiest wife in the world!

I didn't even shed a tear

Sometimes I wonder if I'm broken.  If my normal meter is off.  This past weekend the Marvelous Miss M came up for a Christmas party.  I had a wonderful time hanging out with her.  Watching the little gifts interact with her.  There was tons of laughter, tons of wine and blissful happiness like there always is when she's around.

Then, after the little gifts were in bed, and my husband was off sampling beers at a friends, in the middle of my kitchen, she dropped the bomb.  It was cancer.  I knew there was something, but I was giving her the space to tell me in her own way.  Breast cancer, stage 2.  I hugged her, that was my first reaction, then tried to ask questions and let her tell the story.  The Queen of Irony proceeded to tell me who knew, and who was stepping up to help.  We talked all night, I sobered up VERY quickly at the news, and simply listened as she talked.  Quiet tears rolled down her cheeks every once in a while.

I listened, I wondered what I could do to help.  For some reason, and I'm not sure if it's denial or faith, but I'm not scared.  I KNOW she's going to pull through this.  I know she'll be at my wedding reception next year, drinking with FCW and running interference with my mother.  I know she'll spend weekends with us through the years.  She'll see the boys go to University and get married themselves.  

She's one year older than me, she's one of my favourite people in the world.  She's helped me become the person I am today, and come hell or high water, I'm going to do whatever I can to help her through this.

Change in plans ... VEGAS BABY!

As I may have mentioned, I've been looking forward to my wedding in 2015.  Well, I just couldn't wait and LML (Love of My Life) and I ran off to Vegas and got married on Nov 7th 2014.  We'd been planning the Vegas trip since it coincided with a work trip of mine, and we just couldn't resist telling people we "ran off to Vegas and got married by Elvis".

Yes, it's just too cool.
http://youtu.be/9ED9gKkuF9Y
We even live streamed it on the web.  As Michelle said, it's the first wedding she's attended where being drunk and in her PJ's wouldn't be awkward.

I wouldn't have done it any other way.  <3 font="">

My FAVOURITE birthday gift

I'm spoiled, I think that's a commonly known truth.  LML and I are financially comfortable, if we want / need something we can afford it.  I have a shoe collection to rival Amelda Marcos, and I just got a brand new car.  I'm not difficult to buy for, I like girlie things, flowers, candles, nail polish, massages, etc.

I took the train into work today and LML brought the two gifts to my office for lunch.  He took the day off work so that he could ensure he was home to cook me dinner.  I had a VERY important meeting this morning and I needed to do the follow up this afternoon, so LML brought the boys down with him, took us to lunch, then entertained the boys while I went back to work.  He'll come back at the end of my work day and drive me home ... because I'm spoiled.  

While I'm working, they went to Legoland.  I got this picture (among others) but this is my most favourite.  The greatest gift is having a wonderful man in my life who not only loves me, but loves my kids and they love him too!

Signed,
The luckiest and happiest woman ever!

If I cannot lead by example, allow me to at least be a warning.

I’m looking forward to my wedding in 2015 with a great deal of excitement.  I’m fortunate enough to have found the love of my life, and he loves me back.  He treats me like a princess and a person.  He has a great deal of respect for me, what I do, and more importantly who I am.  He calls me SuperMom (one of my favourite compliments) and is always honest with me.  I not only trust him with my heart, I trust him with my boys and my life. 

But of course, this isn’t my first rodeo, or trip down the aisle.  I did it, almost 20 years ago, believing it would be the only time I would ever get married.  I was marrying a man I respected and loved, and that was enough, or so I thought.  I look back and it’s not all my fault, nor is it his entire fault why the marriage didn’t work.  We were simply two people so broken together, nothing could repair us.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m forever grateful we didn’t work out, so that I could find the love of my life.  I spent literally decades asking “is this all there is? Is this all that marriage is?”  I was lonely, I wanted someone who WANTED to BE with me, and my ex-husband didn’t.   He wanted me to mother his children, and be successful in my career, but he didn’t want to share a life.

I can see so clearly where we went wrong, and I WILL NOT make those mistakes again.

1.       When you make mistakes, OWN THEM.

This was a huge mistake on both our parts.  You can never recover from a lie / mistake / betrayal if you don’t completely own it.  If you aren’t honest with your partner about what happened, you can’t be truly sorry, and you cannot be truly forgiven.  I believe this is fear driven most of all.  When you have to admit to someone very close how badly you screwed up, you actually have to face it yourself.  Avoidance is easier, but in the long term, it’s poison and allows the act to fester and rot.

2.       Make your partner a priority.

Not an afterthought, not a problem, but someone important in your life.  Fall in love with someone you want to DO things with, someone you want to be physically close to as much as possible.  I’m not saying you have to be joined at the hip, and absolutely EVERY activity needs to be shared, but don’t forgo your partner at the expense of other interests.   Make sure you get some quality couple time.  It’s so easy to get lost in the business of everyday life.  With children, homes, jobs, friends, families, interest … so many things to do and organize, it’s critical that you carve out some time together to connect.  Maybe a coffee on a Sunday morning while the kids are playing or watching cartoons, a dinner out if you can swing it, or just sitting together talking while the kids play at the park.  So many opportunities to not only be together but to connect together that get lost in the shuffle, so instead of saying no, learn to say yes to these times.

3.       The small things count.

Yes, everyone loves big extravagant presents, grandiose gestures of love, and to be spoiled rotten, but often the small things, the simplest of gestures (while providing your mutual friends with great opportunity to post DI-A-BEE-TUS gifs on your facebook feed), go a LONG way in making your loved one feel as special as they deserve to be.  Buy a little gift or card, and put it somewhere they’ll see it if you can’t be there to welcome them home at the end of the day.  Do their laundry and put it away without expecting a HUGE thank you (or the proverbial parade).  Tell them that they make you happy, or just smile at them and tell them you love them out of the blue.  Yes, the big weddings and vacations and purchases are fun, but it’s the small things that bind you together.

4.       Don’t try to live to the standards of others.

I made this mistake for so long.  I did what I thought others expected me to do.  Hell, I didn’t even ask or get told what to do; I took guesses and just did that.  I shake my head now at the stupidity of it all.  I let go of the need to be judged and valued by others and learned what it took to make ME happy.  I don’t worry about “keeping up with the Jones’ “or anyone else.  I just do what makes me, my partner and my family happy. 

The bottom line is that happiness is truly a choice, granted, often not an easy one as you cannot please everyone else and yourself all the time.  When I did finally decided that my happiness was important, and recognized what it was going to take to get there I turned my life upside down.  It was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.  I’m happier, my kids are happier, my partner is happy, my employer is happy that I’m happy, as are my family and friends.  I do not regret one day of my past, as it’s brought me to where I am now, and I’m truly happy.  It took a LOT for me to be able to say that, but I really am!

He asked me to write a blog about

I've used this phrase a number of times in the past couple of days.  It's a numeric sequence basically saying "all the time".  The basis of our conversation were about our happiness.  That I want him to be happy 24/7/365.  It's not that I'm altruistic, it's that I'm entirely selfish.  My happiness is tied to his, all of my emotions are tied to his.  When he's upset or anxious, I'm unnerved.  When he's bothered by something, I don't feel right.  When he's happy, I feel like I've got the world by the tail.  Perhaps it's because we're so in tune with one another, we're almost empathic.  

But I doubt that it's really that interesting.

Its a matter of I like to see him happy.  He's an amazing person and when he's happy he glows, and that light shines on me.  Yes, perhaps it's corny, perhaps it's simply how I choose to visualize my manifestation of happy, but it's really true, when he gets excited about something, be it GenCon or Beer, or whatever else has him wound up I get swept up in the excitement and thrill at discovering something new.  And it's WONDERFUL.

So, my goal in life, is to make sure he's happy 24/7/365 and I'll do that by loving him, working hard at us and at life, making sure he feels loved, cherished and trusted.  By making sure he trusts me with any thought, feeling or idea, that I'll never judge, but rather thrill in the adventure with him.  He's my best friend, he's the love of my life, and I want him to be as happy as I am.

Because HAPPY

BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He'd been trying to get a day off to go to Spence Diamond down by my work to pick up the ring, he'd narrowed it down to two.  So he took yesterday off, and I went "cool, I've got a day in lieu to burn, I'll take it off with you".  He let me sleep until noon, then we were planning to go to the mall (he needed new runners) and Walmart (I wanted new underwear) ... then we get into the car and he hands me a blindfold.  I looked at him and said "seriously?"  I couldn't figure out why he wanted me to be blindfolded to go to Walmart.  After I put the blindfold on he went back into the house to get something, put it in the back seat, and we were off.

I was trying to figure out where we were going, felt like Walmart with all the stops and turns.  Then, when I thought we were turning into the Walmart parking lot, the car sped up ... FAST.  WTF?!?!?!?  Then I realized he'd turned on to the 400 south (the last turn before the Walmart enterance).  Ok, so maybe we're going to Magnotta, that'd be nice .... oohhhhhh maybe we're going to Niagara.  I settle in for the drive (still blindfolded) and enjoy.

After a while, I can feel the car slowing down.  I mention that and Shawn says "yes, traffic, must be an accident".  After a complete stop, the car turned left.  I swore it was Rutherford Road.  I do that drive two and from work every day and it just felt right.   Ohhhhh  maybe we're going to Wonderland ... damn, I wore a dress.  Passed Wonderland ... ohhhhh maybe we're going shopping at Vaughan Mills!  Nope, passed that too.  Hmmm, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not Rutherford.  Then, about 5 minutes later we turn right and hit two stop signs in a road.  WTF?  "Why are we going to my work?"  Just then, he pulls over and stops.  We're at the park, around the corner from my work.  I see him reach into the back seat and pull out what I thought was his lunch bag.  Ohhhhh a picnic ... No he says.  Hmmmmmmm.  I'd given him a photo album with pictures from the last two years for Father's Day and the pictures he took of me at that park two years ago were in there.  He said he wanted updated pictures.   Ohhhh, how sweet.

So, I climbed up on the playground and ... well ... watch the video.

He used his ring that I bought him a year ago, because he hadn't gotten to the jewelers yet.  We went to Spence, picked out my beautiful ring and then went for lunch.  It was amazing.  The waitress at lunch wanted to know what we were celebrating, because I was glowing, I showed her my ring.  Honestly I'm still on cloud nine.

sometimes it just sneaks up on me ...

Sometimes it sneaks up on me ... the enormity of it.  How incredibly sweet and all encompassing it is ... 

I love you, more than I could ever possibly put into words.

I love you, more than I could ever adequately express

I love you, more than I could ever say.

But I hope ... oh how desperately I hope.

You feel, just how much I love you.

You are my Alpha, my Omega.  I am me because if you.

I love you!

You are my FOREVER

When I fell in love with you, I knew it was real, because all those corny love songs started to take on new meaning and made me think of you.  What amazes me is that I'll still be driving and a song, like this one will start and granted not all the words, but the below ones say it better than I ever could.

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, every now then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know there's nothing any better
And there's nothing that I just wouldn't do

Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

I know you don't have your dream job, and sometimes you're worried that you're not good enough, but you are PERFECTION for me.  You truly are magic and wondrous.  I can't believe someone as perfect as you not only exists in this world, but works so incredibly hard to make me happy.

You really have made me feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I love you and I'll never stop telling you how magical your are!

Thank you Shawn, for everything.  I mean it now, and forever!

Let me count the ways

BBE isn’t one of those brash, shout it from the roof tops romantics (that’s more my style), but he does things that are so incredibly thoughtful and special that they actually move me to tears.  Case in point:

Yesterday, I had a TERRIBLE day at work.  This is rare, generally I love my job, I’m good at my job and I enjoy what I do.  I’m very lucky, but everyone is allowed to have a bad day, and apparently yesterday was mine.  I have been running like a mad woman lately trying to get everything done.  I like the pace, days fly by, tons of challenges, but every once in a while something slips.  My least favourite sales person had asked me in December to work on a project.  Sure thing, no problem, but in December I had different deadlines, and being told this project would be due “mid-january” I scheduled it accordingly.  I gave the vague detail that my coworker had provided to our Ad Agency and set them upon the task.  All of sudden, his customer moves up the deadline.  As a result, I get handed “final” product from the Agency that I knew was substandard.  I didn’t have a chance to proof it, but I figured we could “use it as a talking point” and I could follow up the next day with the corrected project.  Apparently sales guy would rather spend my valuable time standing in my office screaming at me.

I did rather well, I didn’t lose my cool, I defended myself, but fortunately my boss stepped into my office, diffused the situation and got us back on track.  I went back to the ad agency, correcting the mistakes sales guy had done, and provided new direction.  I went into my office, closed the door and lost it.  I don’t cry out of sadness, but out of anger and frustration.  This sales guy is famous for providing bad information then throwing marketing under the bus.  He’s done it to all of my coworkers and it’s rather a miracle this is only the first time it’s happened.  My boss hauled him into his office and tore him a new one, so then he comes to me (while I’m still rather upset) that we need to “talk this out”.  Sorry asshat, I’ve got stuff to do and making you feel better isn’t on the list.  I spoke to my boss later and he praised me for “taking the high road” and keeping my cool.  I knew I wasn’t in trouble, and I knew I could get stuff done to please the customer (always my end goal).

So, crying at my desk, not my favourite thing to do, I felt humiliated for the red eyes as I went into a LARGE corporate meeting after.  No one commented, a few asked if I was okay to which I replied “I’m fine”.  I wasn’t though.  I had a splitting headache and I was embarrassed, I just wanted to get the project done and go home.

When I got home it was quite.  The gifts were finishing their dinner and BBE had ours just about done.  He’s finding new recipes because I’m trying to eat healthier (including going gluten free).  So, not only is there a great meal, there are some beautiful tulips on the table.  Awwwww he got me flowers, because I had a bad day, but wait … there’s more!  He hands me a poem he’s written.  WHAT?  No one has EVER written a poem for me, EVER!  I’m reading it and I’m literally in tears again.  This time, tears of joy to be so lucky to have the most amazing man in the world love me.  The gifts joined in with lots of hugs and “I love you mommy” and I settled down to a wonderful dinner. 

I still can’t believe he wrote me a poem.  #HappiestGirlInTheWorld

When a plan comes together.

Today, in my facebook feed, there was a huffington post article on how to help anxious kids with worry.  I decided to bookmark the article to read at lunch as the eldest gift can get anxious sometimes.  It’s nothing horrible, just sometimes he worries about stuff.  Then I thought back to when I was a kid, and what did I worry about.  The first thing that came to mind was the TV show “Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century” and that the world was going to “end” in 1984 due to nuclear war.   It ran from 1979 to 1981, so I was 7-9 while it was on, similar to the eldest gifts current age.  In the show, the main character Buck Rogers (played by Gil Gerard) was an astronaut that left earth before the destruction in 1984 and was frozen in space for 500 years.  I remember; very vividly worrying that somehow this was more of a documentary than a fictional TV show.  I remember worrying that the world would end in 1984.  Of course, by the time 1984 came and went, the show was off the air and sometime during 1985 I thought “hey, we made it, we’re okay” … and life didn’t end.

However, the difference is that my life; or more accurately the core of my life that makes me ridiculously happy began in 1984.  BBE was born that year, of course I didn’t know it then, only really making the connection now, but what caused me great anxiety in my youth, has resulted in my happiness as an adult. 

So here’s to you Buck Rogers (who is currently in cryostasus somewhere out there to wake up in about 480 years), for giving me food for thought, and yet again, a reason to smile.

You are BEAUTIFUL!

Obviously my weight and body image has been on my mind (see last post).  BBE is INCREDIBLY supportive (as he truly understands body image issues) and suggests ideas without making me feel guilty for not executing them for my “excuses”.  Again (like always) BBE just rocks. 

I’m reading an article, one of many that speaks to me, on “how to be happy”.  I nod and smile as I’ve learned some of these incredible truths in the past few years, not worrying what others thing, that failure is often where growth comes from, etc. but one line today jumped right off the computer screen at me.

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

Wow … just wow.  I read that through a few times and let the reality really sink in.  In my previous life I often complained I felt like a pay cheque and a piece of furniture.  I know how hard it is when someone doesn’t appreciate or care about what you truly offer.  While BBE often tells me I’m beautiful, he makes me feel it.  I know he’s not just looking at exterior beauty, but that which shines from within.  From me being so proud of myself for managing our house, and saving us money on things we spend on.  From working to clean up the boys bathroom (but I left the clogged toilet in the boys room to him, he’s magical, I am not), to just getting the mundane tasks done.  When I have no makeup on, I’ve got my hair pulled back and I’m in filthy sweats, he not only tells me I’m beautiful, but he makes me believe it.

He loves me, for more than just my killer smile and pretty eyes, he’s with me for my mind, body and soul … and I am luckier than most people on the planet because of this.

Here’s the link to the enture article, it’s a good read!