Schrodinger’s Friends

This is where I am at right now.  It is not a fun place to be.  Cancer; it sucks, we all know it sucks.  You know else, sucks, not knowing if someone you love is dead or alive.  I’ve had three hard cancer hits in the past few years.

Nicole – beautiful and brilliant mother of two.  Close to my age, her boys are close to my boys’ age.  Bile duct cancer (green ribbon).  When she was diagnosed, we all followed her journey.  Watched her battle like a warrior.  Watched her fight like her life depended on it, because it did.  She lost that battle and I felt a feeling of sorrow I’d never felt before.  Sad for her children who lost her.  Sad for her husband who loved her so much.  Sad for myself, and our group of friends, who had that beautiful light extinguished.  Sometimes a memory will come up on Facebook with her and I’m finally getting to that place where I remember her with love, instead of just the overwhelming sadness.  I miss her, I will always miss her, but I can mourn her properly.

Michaela – a beautiful and tortured soul who stood by my side as I went through one of the ugliest and hardest parts of my life.  While I tore my life to pieces, she always loved me for who I was, not who I tried to be.  With that help, I learned to love myself the same way.  She was forever off-balance, a wanderer (but not always lost), often uncomfortable in her how skin and constantly struggled to find her place in this world.  Breast Cancer (pink ribbon) of all things.  The irony was beyond painful.  I remember when she sat on the couch with me and cried as she told me.  Again, I believed she would prevail and my only real concern was that she would choose not to fight.  I was so grateful when she chose chemo.  I was certain she would be fine.  Caught early enough it can be treated.  My former mother in law won her battle, my former sister in law too.   She was younger and stronger than both of them.  She was my maid of honour at my wedding, she was my voice of reason often and when all else failed, my soft place to land.  I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.  She no longer responds to my texts.  I’ve searched her name for obituaries but haven’t found it.  She’s in Schrodinger’s box and it hurts.

Michael – a dear friend in a faraway land.  We have had a long and close friendship for over 15 years.  I remember the day my youngest was born, he called me while I was in labour.  I’d been in the hospital for over a week and he’d call me daily to keep me company.  I told him we would always be friends.  He’d know what University my child would go to.  I watched both of his children get married, the birth of his first grandchild.  I know the struggles with his wife, but he loved her dearly and would never leave her.  We watch me struggle with being me.  He supported me through my divorce and was thrilled that I found the love of my life and cheered me along all the way.  He’d always worked so hard for everything he had.  Finally, he was at a place in his life where he could enjoy his properties, his family, his life.  Brain cancer (grey ribbon).  He was given 3-6 months and that was 15 months ago.   We live on different continents.  I’d tried to keep up the cheerful, chatty emails but the responses got fewer and fewer over the months.  On Christmas day I reached out with a Merry Christmas note and got a terse note back that he was in the hospital.  I haven’t heard anything since.  I follow his Facebook page for news.  I follow his family’s pages for news.   A few brief, sad posts last week that make me worried he’s come to his end, and I’ll never know.  He’s in Schrodinger’s box too, and it really hurts.

In both cases, I don’t want to reach out to the families.  I don’t want to bring up any more pain than they’re already going through.  I’m not important in these situations, they are and I respect that the most.  Knowing where the end gives you a point to begin to heal and move on.  Maybe one day I’ll get closure, but until then, I’ll run my fingers along the tattoo on my left arm I got for the three of them.  

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

Why is saying “I’m sorry” so difficult for some people?

I’m Canadian; the jokes about how we are always so quick to apologise are prevalent.   When you bump into a Canadian, they apologise to you … that’s how we roll.    However, I know from past experience this isn’t always true.  Manners are a big thing for me.  I say please and thank you if I think I’ve offended or hurt someone I’m the first to apologise.  I’ve taught the boys that it’s okay to make mistakes, be wrong, but make sure you’re sorry for it and express it.  My ex-husband is TERRIBLE for this.  He’d NEVER apologise and it made me feel like crap.  I once called him out on it and he actually said: “really, we’ve been together long enough we don’t have to do that” … what … be kind … respectful?  Ergo one of the many reasons he’s the ex-husband.  BestHusbandEver always apologises; if we’re arguing (which is rare), he’ll stop, think about things and apologise if appropriate.  To this day it still catches me off guard, and I love it.

I had a situation this week where an apology would have gone a LONG way, but it didn’t happen.  I was hosting Girls Night In for 3 friends.  We try to get together once every couple of months.  Last month it was an impromptu night with one of the girls, so I hosted.  We had a great time, so we decided to repeat it for this month.  Schedules are tricky, I try to make it when BHE is on nights and the gifts are at their dads' so we can enjoy ourselves uninterrupted.  We set everything up via email and Facebook messenger.  It was all a go.  It’s a lot of work, I work 8.5 hours a day, have 2 hours of commuting, on the way home I stopped at the store and picked up $60 worth of meats, cheese, dips, fruit, veg, etc to nibble on.  I get home, empty the dishwasher, tidy the front room, look after the pets in need, tidy the living room, set up the food plates and am ready for the girls to show up at 6:30. 

*cue ticking clock*

I get a text message from M.  She’s a part-time WFH mother.  She loved this date because her husband was off for the week (March Break) so she could be on time.  She kindly kept me up to date on her progress “just leaving in 15” … “be there soon” … “just picking up wine” … and she arrived at 7:30. 

About 8:00 we get a FB message from C “OMG I totally gapped, I’m stuck at work, we’re really busy”.  That was all.  No apology, just that.  C and her husband own a pub and act like they have children as they have two dogs.  She BARELY works, and we picked this night specifically because it was good for her.  I was annoyed.

I’d texted K at 7:30 asking if she was still coming … and didn’t hear back until 8:30.  “I’m just leaving work from a meeting that went way overdue L” K works part time for a brewery, no kids … seriously?  BHE even made her a fresh loaf of Rye Bread because she loves it.

How hard is it to put a reminder in your calendar?  How hard is it to say “I’m sorry, I’m late or I can’t make it” … or just “I’m sorry”.   I wonder if it’s because the plans were made in cyber-space so people think they don’t matter.  When did common courtesy become so uncommon?  What their actions told me was “you don’t matter, your feelings don’t matter” and that hurts. 

Needless to say, I’m going to take a bit of a break from K & C.  I’m not going to be mean or rude; I’m just going to take my foot off the gas in an effort to reach out.   I love organising big or small social events … I just hate it when your guests suck. 

Gratitude.

Ok, enough complaining for one day, time to change focus!  At our sales conference this year, our President focused his speech on the importance of Gratitude.  Wow, that was like a lightning bolt to me.  I’d written a very short speech (as I’d received the leadership award for the second year in a row) and my theme, as well, was gratitude.  I was grateful to my leadership team for allowing me the opportunities to grow, discover, fail and succeed.  I was grateful for all the team members that I had the opportunity to work with through company integrations, product launches, product discover and design and all the little details that make a company run.

Hmmmm

That sounds much more like where I’d like to focus.  Today a friend called me her hero.  I was gobsmacked.  Another friend is having issues in her marriage and we’re on a private board to talk her through it.  It’s a group of on-line friends (some of us have met in person) and we’ve been “together” for about 10 years.  Some married, some divorced, all moms who love their kids and are trying to do their best.  As this one friend is having issues, the other divorced mom and I jump sharing our experiences, in an effort to help and support.  I told the other divorced mom I was so proud of everything she’d accomplished on her own and raising an epic young man.  She turned around and told me I was her hero, younger, hot husband, two great kids, kicking ass at work … wow.  Sometimes you’re so mired in the muck of the forest, you forget about the beauty and wonder around you and it takes a friend to point it out.

So ya, I am grateful for having this job that pays me well and does recognize my efforts (9 awards in less than 5 years).  I am grateful for having a husband who loves me for me, makes me feel like the center of the universe, spoils me with his love, time and attention, and often the most thoughtful gifts in the world.  I’m really grateful to have two awesome sons who are kind, respectful, loving, strong and all around good people.  I’m grateful to have the most amazing group of women who live inside my iPhone and laptop, who I can reach out to that will lift me up, make me laugh, or offer to help hide the bodies when I need them. 

I’m really very lucky, and I’m so very grateful for it.

Apparently the same person who stole October and half of November

Oops, it's been a while ... on to today's topic

The original mommy wars were Working Moms vs Stay at home Moms.  One didn’t love their kids enough letting strangers raise them, the others were pretty much lazy and a drain on society.  There’s been a lot of sensitivity that’s come out from those wars.

• All moms work – it’s a hell of a job
• All moms love their kids – some can’t be with them 24/7
• All moms should work to help build each other up, not tear each other down

I’ve been on the working mom side of that war.  I’ve never looked down at a stay at home mom, but I’ve also never envied them.  I do love the little gifts, but I’m grateful for a job I thoroughly enjoy and the chance to grow their village with a wider group of those who love, care for and help my gifts grow.  I’ve learned to bite my tongue whenever someone says “oh I’d never let a stranger raise my child”.  That’s mostly born of ignorance, not malice.

I thought we’d finally let that war die, but now it’s resurface to the “Clean House” wars.  Interesting that SAHM (Stay at Home Moms) or WM (Working Moms) end up on either side of this war.  A lot of facebook memes are denoted to “I carefully take pictures of my children to hide the disaster my home is”, or blog posts from one of my favourite bloggers, that her house is a disorganized chaotic mess, but that’s just how she rolls.  The common theme is “as long as it’s not unsanitary, messy is A-OK”.  But then there are other mothers who feel their failing if their house is a mess, and those still who, because they keep their home neat and tidy, are accused of not loving their children enough to forego the cleaning to play with / interact with them. 

OMG … seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I just watched one of my facebook groups have a long conversation about this, and some defriending happened because of the argument.  Really people … REALLY?  Is this so important, that you’ll unfriend someone you’ve called a friend?  Is this so important that you’ll place your self-worth and personal value on it?  I really can’t wrap my head around that.  I like it when my house is clean and organized.  It’s usually clean, it’s RARELY organized.  No one is in danger of mold spores, the litter boxes and bathrooms are cleaned regularly.  Do I wash the baseboards … uhhhh nope.  Do I think I’m less of a Mother, Wife, Woman because of this … NOPE.

I just can’t imagine putting that much emotion and effort into such silliness.  I’m blessed to have another private group, that while we may discuss such topics, and there are those of us on either end of the spectrum, no one every WARS about it, or loses friends over it. 

The lesson for today is, surround yourself with people who build you up and eliminate those who wear you down.     

The grey rut with the explosive neon moments

I’ve come to not only learn, but accept that this is what life is.  I was driving to work this morning after dropping the little gifts off at daycare, filling the tank with gas, then joining the rest of the rats on the daily race down to work.  It was a brilliant and sunny morning, but it’s just such a mundane and repetitive task … monotonyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  Then I thought about what a great weekend LML and I just had.  We try to take advantage of every opportunity to be together and enjoy ourselves.  I had to do a short work trip to Minneapolis, so he took a day off, we had a coupon for a free short haul flight and he came with me.  It was fun to adventure the Mall of America with him.  Not to mention I got to meet one of my working mom friends (my evil twin) that I’ve known for 8.5 years.  I have bright, vivid neon memories of hanging at that cool mall with them.

When we landed on Saturday, we took off downtown to meet another old friend of mine.  Richard and LML love to talk craft beer, and they’ve even begun trading them.  What was supposed to be an hour drink at BarVolo, turned into a 4 hour visit there prior to heading out on transit for some EPIC BBQ in Greek Town.  I love it when stars align and LML’s friend Derek who happened to be downtown joined us.  Again a brilliant flash of GREAT TIMES OF LIFE. 

My learning from this weekend is that yes, a lot of life is the mundane boring stuff we have to do (commute, grocery shop, laundry, etc.) but if you take every opportunity possible for those neon firework moments, you’ll smile a lot more often during that traffic jam!

Depth and definition of friendship

We had an awesome weekend hanging out with some dear friends.  One of the girls from E-guys school has been friends with him since junior kindergarten.  It's a good friendship all around.  Both of the little gifts adore the girl and like playing with her.  She's an only child so it's good for her to have brothers.  The mother and I, while complete polar opposites get along really well.  She enjoys my energy, I enjoy her calmness.  The father is a bit of a nut, but gets along with BBE as they both have a passion for craft beer.  They live about a 10 minute walk from us, and our schedules seem to align nicely with theirs so we get together for dinner and drinks and the kids play and torment the cats.  It's almost Norman Rockwell in it's appearance ... seriously, I feel some times it's just this side of bridge club.

There's just this thing ... something core to my life, my life with BBE, that remains somewhat hidden.  I feel a bit like someone who is gay, and still in the closet.  I've never felt that someone needs to know ALL my details, come on, a bit of mystery is always best, but sometimes I feel like I can't be my authentic me around most people.  It's nothing I hide from BBE, but something we share.  Some of our friends are aware, but most are not.  It's nothing bad ... I'm not drowning kittens in the river, but still, it's something I'm very private about and wonder what this particular set of friends would think if they knew.  I really like this friend, and while I wish she wouldn't judge, but see me as the friend she's enjoyed over the past 4 years, I have a feeling if I revealed my true self, what I always refer to as my "authentic self", it would not go well.  

I'm sitting in the middle of the teeter totter wondering what is better, to hide away that little bit that may be judged, or simply live out loud and be damned the consequences!  Can she truly be my friend when I hold something that is key to who I am back?

Inside the magic box

This week, being “single girl” week as BBE is working nights and the gifts are at their fathers, I had the chance to have an old friend over for a coffee after work.  I haven’t seen (or even really spoken to) this friend in about 2 years.  It was simply a matter of our lives were on different paths and they weren’t intersecting.  There was no reason for not talking; there was just nothing to connect us.   Out of the blue, she posts on my wall that she’d love to get together for a coffee, so we did.  Both of us have had a LOT of changes over the past two years.  Each being on a different journey, but getting together again, the years melted away and it was like we were hanging out just last week. 

I’m like that with people, some people, and most people actually.  I understand that sometimes people are in your life for an event, or a period of time, and as long as there are no hard feelings, no transgression that’s passed that you can’t get over, that reconnection is a good thing.

I find, these days, that many of my closest friends are trapped in the little silver box (the laptop or the iPad).  I connect with people as far away as Australia, she being a RL friend who flew off for a new adventure and another dear friend who lives in England.  These are some of my best friends and whether we email every day, or once a month, I still feel as close and connected to them as anyone.  As well, I have two amazing and different groups of women I know on line only.  I’ve never met ANY of these women (all told about 40 of them) in real life, but some of them I consider my best friends.  I follow their blogs, and their posts in our private groups and we celebrate our successes and happiness together and hold one another together through the tough times.  Although I’ve never met any of these ladies, I feel closer to them than those who I’ve called “friends” for the past 10 years.  I find that due to life (changes in jobs, marital changes, etc) that friends just naturally ebb and flow from your life.  I’ve gotten to know and forgotten many people on line, but these “special friends” (the wm’s and the lnl’s) hold a special place in my heart and I’ll never let them go.

Then I look at my “real life” friends and I’m really disappointed (with the exception of one mother of a classmate to the oldest gift).  I’ve invited them to events, offered to do things for them, tried to engage them and I barely get a response, and if I do it’s ALWAYS negative.  I get that everyone has a life, but I’m finding a lot of them using “busy family” as an excuse to be rude and not even make an effort to help out.  I hate it when people disappoint me, but I’m truly fortunate to have some spectacular friends, it’s just that many of them live inside the magic box.