Schrodinger’s Friends

This is where I am at right now.  It is not a fun place to be.  Cancer; it sucks, we all know it sucks.  You know else, sucks, not knowing if someone you love is dead or alive.  I’ve had three hard cancer hits in the past few years.

Nicole – beautiful and brilliant mother of two.  Close to my age, her boys are close to my boys’ age.  Bile duct cancer (green ribbon).  When she was diagnosed, we all followed her journey.  Watched her battle like a warrior.  Watched her fight like her life depended on it, because it did.  She lost that battle and I felt a feeling of sorrow I’d never felt before.  Sad for her children who lost her.  Sad for her husband who loved her so much.  Sad for myself, and our group of friends, who had that beautiful light extinguished.  Sometimes a memory will come up on Facebook with her and I’m finally getting to that place where I remember her with love, instead of just the overwhelming sadness.  I miss her, I will always miss her, but I can mourn her properly.

Michaela – a beautiful and tortured soul who stood by my side as I went through one of the ugliest and hardest parts of my life.  While I tore my life to pieces, she always loved me for who I was, not who I tried to be.  With that help, I learned to love myself the same way.  She was forever off-balance, a wanderer (but not always lost), often uncomfortable in her how skin and constantly struggled to find her place in this world.  Breast Cancer (pink ribbon) of all things.  The irony was beyond painful.  I remember when she sat on the couch with me and cried as she told me.  Again, I believed she would prevail and my only real concern was that she would choose not to fight.  I was so grateful when she chose chemo.  I was certain she would be fine.  Caught early enough it can be treated.  My former mother in law won her battle, my former sister in law too.   She was younger and stronger than both of them.  She was my maid of honour at my wedding, she was my voice of reason often and when all else failed, my soft place to land.  I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.  She no longer responds to my texts.  I’ve searched her name for obituaries but haven’t found it.  She’s in Schrodinger’s box and it hurts.

Michael – a dear friend in a faraway land.  We have had a long and close friendship for over 15 years.  I remember the day my youngest was born, he called me while I was in labour.  I’d been in the hospital for over a week and he’d call me daily to keep me company.  I told him we would always be friends.  He’d know what University my child would go to.  I watched both of his children get married, the birth of his first grandchild.  I know the struggles with his wife, but he loved her dearly and would never leave her.  We watch me struggle with being me.  He supported me through my divorce and was thrilled that I found the love of my life and cheered me along all the way.  He’d always worked so hard for everything he had.  Finally, he was at a place in his life where he could enjoy his properties, his family, his life.  Brain cancer (grey ribbon).  He was given 3-6 months and that was 15 months ago.   We live on different continents.  I’d tried to keep up the cheerful, chatty emails but the responses got fewer and fewer over the months.  On Christmas day I reached out with a Merry Christmas note and got a terse note back that he was in the hospital.  I haven’t heard anything since.  I follow his Facebook page for news.  I follow his family’s pages for news.   A few brief, sad posts last week that make me worried he’s come to his end, and I’ll never know.  He’s in Schrodinger’s box too, and it really hurts.

In both cases, I don’t want to reach out to the families.  I don’t want to bring up any more pain than they’re already going through.  I’m not important in these situations, they are and I respect that the most.  Knowing where the end gives you a point to begin to heal and move on.  Maybe one day I’ll get closure, but until then, I’ll run my fingers along the tattoo on my left arm I got for the three of them.  

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

Just because I make it look easy …

Ok, look out, rant ahead.  At work today, after a meeting with two coworkers (both women, neither has children) I was chit chatting about some of the recent goings-on around the office.  TCW had been having her eldest daughter working in our warehouse on an off for the past year since she dropped out of high school.   Today TCW is not in; apparently, she’d call the boss and said this same daughter had been throwing up for 3 days and was in the hospital with her.  My XH texted me randomly this morning to say he’d spotted TCW and the daughter in his Principles Office (XH is a teacher at the school she dropped out from).  Ok, there ya go, TCW was trying to get her daughter back into school because apparently, we fired her from her really lax warehouse job earlier this week.  Yes, the three-year long train wreck of a life for TCW (and family) continues.

When I was chatting with my other two coworkers, the subject of my XH and my kids came up.  Apparently, TCW likes to point out that I’m “lucky” to have such a good co-parenting relationship with XH and my kids are only good because they’re little, and were so young when we split.

DAFUQ?!?!?!?!??!

First off, luck has NOTHING to do with it.  My relationship with my XH could have gone to hell during the divorce, but it took a lot of hard work (on both parts) to constantly put the kids above all else.  We didn’t bother with each other’s personal lives, outside of inquiries as to the health of each other’s families.  We only really discussed the kids and acted in their best interests.  This created a healthy co-parenting relationship.  I won’t say we’re friends, we never really were friends, but we both do what we can to help the other out and keep the kids happy, healthy and safe.

Secondly, my kids were traumatized by the divorce too, but that doesn’t give ANYONE carte blanche to rebel and derail HARD.  TCW’s oldest dropped out of high school in her last year.  She started hanging around with kids who did some serious drugs, even her boyfriend robbed TCW’s house blind.  She told TCW that the school pushed her out, but (having an EX at THAT school) I found out she’d withdrawn (dropped out).  So she’s been working here for the past year on and off, but was always on her phone, wandering away from her job and basically being paid to sleep in her mother’s office.  Whenever she’d go off the rails hard (drugs, theft, etc) I’d ask TCW what were the repercussions of her actions?  Take her phone!  She said “then I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of her” … so, she just kept yelling at her.  Ya, obviously that works … NOT.  The daughter has had mom hand her everything, and now that she’s 18 she has absolutely no coping skills or mechanisms other than drugs.  Lovely.  She swears she doesn’t need counselling, she doesn’t implement any real rules at home, so why would the daughter straighten up?

She’s gotten the other coworkers thinking I’m just born under a lucky star, and they have NO CLUE how hard it is.  You make rules, you enforce them, and you provide repercussions for breaking the rules.  You stay consistent with that.  You have your kids learn from a young age that life isn’t handed to you on a silver platter.  You earn your keep.  You’re a contributing and important member of the family.

That’s not luck, that’s hard work.

ouch

I was surfing facebook today, nothing new, I do it most days.  I love chatting with my friends, seeing pictures of everyone’s kids and pets, giggling at the funny memes; it’s generally a really positive place for me.  I landed on my sister’s page today, one of her friends passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last week and I wanted to pass along my sympathies.  On the left hand side I see a recent picture of her, with my two cousins and my paternal grandmother.

First thought …. “holy crap, Fred’s still alive”.  She’s got to be closing in on 100.  I haven’t seen this woman since my sister’s wedding in 1997.  I’ve long since written off that side of the family.  What bothered me, and I was really surprised that this did bother me was that the picture was a recreation of one we took at that grandmother’s home almost 30 years ago.  The only difference was that I wasn’t in it.  I don’t often give a lot of thought to that side of the family, so it was unnerving to be bothered by this.  I’m trying to figure out if it’s a feeling of loss, loss of that entire side of the family.  If it’s nostalgia for what could have been.  If it’s just me being cranky because it’s February, I’m cold and I miss the sun.

I’ll likely forget all about the image in a couple of days.  I know there’s no point reaching out to that side of the family.  My father has no desire to have me in his life, and I do have my cousins on FaceBook, so that’s something.  I was just talking to BHE today that my life is pretty drama free, and I know that trying to reconnect with that side of the family would just be opening up an ugly can of worms. 

I just need to keep focusing on the positive.

I still can’t wrap my head around it.

Admittedly I try to be a positive person, but I had the wind taken out of my sails this week by family.  My darling husband and I, who ran off to Vegas to get married, are finally having our Wedding Reception this June.    I had intended to have our reception on the last Sunday in June, but then work threw a wrench into my plans.  Our annual sales meeting got pushed back, clashing with the wedding, so I spoke to my darling husband and the venue we booked and we were able to move it up a week. 

I was at my mother’s in February, celebrating my sister’s birthday when I happened to mention a date change.  “oh hey guys, we had to move the date to the 21^st, and that happens to be father’s day”.  Immediately my brother-in-law was angry, “well that’s not going to work, can you move it to Saturday”.   Ummmm WTF?  My sister pipes in with “that’s our annual father’s day BBQ for his father, and he takes it very seriously”.  I’m shocked, I asked “can’t you do the BBQ on Saturday?”  My sister mumbles “I’ll see what we can do.”  I was surprised, I mean I get it, Father’s day is a big day, but surely his father would understand that a WEDDING takes priority.

So I went about setting up the event, sending out invitations and I got a scathing email from my mother.  She’s disappointed in me, that I wouldn’t move the date; that I’m being selfish.  I was floored.  This from the woman who said my Vegas wedding was tacky, that we left her out by running off to Vegas; this from the woman that EVERY TIME I make an effort to invite her up, she usually declines.  When my sister had her son (younger than both my two gifts) my mother posted to facebook of “I finally have a grandson”.  Who constantly complained about me going to my former in-laws to look after my boys when I needed help (because they would move heaven and earth to do so) the first time I asked my mother, she thought it would be better to have the 4 year old and 7 year old in the house while their father moved out (so I went back to the former in-laws and again they came to the rescue).  I’ve spoken about these incidents to a close group of friends on line and one of them posted “you’re just not a priority for them (meaning my mother and sister)” and the truth of that hit me like a wrecking ball.

So my brother in law isn’t coming, and I told my sister while I’m baffled at the extreme importance of Father’s Day for her family, I would never ask her to choose between me and her husband.  She should choose her husband, because if the roles were reversed, I would choose my husband in a heartbeat.  I also emailed my mother asking if she’d like me to help arrange a ride for her or if she’ll be opting out as well.   They keep telling me I’m only thinking of myself, that I’m being selfish, and they’re making me question myself.  I think of myself as a “do anything for family & friends” type of person, I don’t just help them move, I’d help them move a body, but to get treated like this, but those who are supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what … it’s heartbreaking.

My FAVOURITE birthday gift

I'm spoiled, I think that's a commonly known truth.  LML and I are financially comfortable, if we want / need something we can afford it.  I have a shoe collection to rival Amelda Marcos, and I just got a brand new car.  I'm not difficult to buy for, I like girlie things, flowers, candles, nail polish, massages, etc.

I took the train into work today and LML brought the two gifts to my office for lunch.  He took the day off work so that he could ensure he was home to cook me dinner.  I had a VERY important meeting this morning and I needed to do the follow up this afternoon, so LML brought the boys down with him, took us to lunch, then entertained the boys while I went back to work.  He'll come back at the end of my work day and drive me home ... because I'm spoiled.  

While I'm working, they went to Legoland.  I got this picture (among others) but this is my most favourite.  The greatest gift is having a wonderful man in my life who not only loves me, but loves my kids and they love him too!

Signed,
The luckiest and happiest woman ever!