ouch

I was surfing facebook today, nothing new, I do it most days.  I love chatting with my friends, seeing pictures of everyone’s kids and pets, giggling at the funny memes; it’s generally a really positive place for me.  I landed on my sister’s page today, one of her friends passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last week and I wanted to pass along my sympathies.  On the left hand side I see a recent picture of her, with my two cousins and my paternal grandmother.

First thought …. “holy crap, Fred’s still alive”.  She’s got to be closing in on 100.  I haven’t seen this woman since my sister’s wedding in 1997.  I’ve long since written off that side of the family.  What bothered me, and I was really surprised that this did bother me was that the picture was a recreation of one we took at that grandmother’s home almost 30 years ago.  The only difference was that I wasn’t in it.  I don’t often give a lot of thought to that side of the family, so it was unnerving to be bothered by this.  I’m trying to figure out if it’s a feeling of loss, loss of that entire side of the family.  If it’s nostalgia for what could have been.  If it’s just me being cranky because it’s February, I’m cold and I miss the sun.

I’ll likely forget all about the image in a couple of days.  I know there’s no point reaching out to that side of the family.  My father has no desire to have me in his life, and I do have my cousins on FaceBook, so that’s something.  I was just talking to BHE today that my life is pretty drama free, and I know that trying to reconnect with that side of the family would just be opening up an ugly can of worms. 

I just need to keep focusing on the positive.