Preconceived notions and growing beyond your comfort zone

LML and I went on an adventure last week.  He likes to find new and cool things and completely throw himself into them.  His passions are EPIC and it is so much fun to get swept up in the excitement of a new discovery.  About 2 years ago he discovered high-end custom hunting knives.  He’s not a knife maker nor a hunter, but he learned all about these beautiful works of art and after months of research purchased his first one.  No, understand these aren’t cheap by any stretch of the imagination.  They’re made in the USA and built by hand.  Each one slightly unique and designed to perfection.  It’s getting harder and harder to find handcrafted, lifetime warranty perfection, but he found it in these knives.

One of the other things about this group is what a community it is.  The particular knife maker LML was purchasing from has three “Grind-Ins” per year.  This is an opportunity for the knife enthusiast to come to the facility in northern Michigan to make their very own knives.  They have been holding these events for 14 years and they’re highly in demand.  We have actually been on the waiting list to attend for 18 months.  They tend to book up quickly!

If you know me, hunting, guns, knives, camo … these really aren’t “my thing”.  I’m much more comfortable in a dress, eating a gourmet meal and going to the symphony, so this was certainly out of my comfort zone.  LML was really excited about this, so I didn’t really give it much thought other than booking hotels and plotting routes for driving.  As we pulled into the facility on the first day, we’re behind a really big pickup truck and I groan.  The truck had stickers on it that said “Hillary for Prison” and NRA.  Oh crap.  I didn’t give much thought to the demographics of the attendees.  I’m very liberal, can’t stand the NRA on principle (to be clear, my issue is not with guns, but with the organization).  I think the current President of the USA is an overgrown toddler doing WAAAAAYYYYYY more damage than good.  I think I just landed in Trump-land and I’m likely going to lose a large part of my tongue from biting it.

The first night we’re there it’s a mixer.  We don’t know anyone.  They’re drinking lite American beer and many are smoking.  Yep, not my crowd.  I’m getting anxious, realizing I’m totally out of my element and worried that this was a big mistake.  However, LML kept me calm, and we had an okay time that first time, although I was rather relieved to get back to the hotel and to my glass of wine.

Ok, Techy, time to put on your big girl panties and make this an awesome adventure.  The second day we arrived early, and sat and waited for the safety talk.  The doughnut I had there was the size of my head and definitely kept me full until lunch.  We had our safety talk and were set loose.  LML and I got split up because we wanted to do different things.  I’m very much a “figure out what’s going on and do it as efficiently as possible” type of person, so I’d ask people what my next step was as I walked my knife through this process.  At this event, you could do as much or as little as you were comfortable with, and I basically spent the day documenting my machete’s creation.  I relaxed and started to chat with the people queuing up with me.  A lovely young man from New Jersey, a nice lady from DC.  We talked about knives and where we were from and I really started to enjoy myself.  Out of the 86 people who attended I was the 13^th (my lucky number) to finish.  WOW, I wasn’t expecting that at all.  The first 45 knives done got a gift card to one of their distributors.  I sassily walked back to LML who was still way behind me and showed off my gift card, then handed it to him.

We had lunch with another awesome Financial Banker from Grand Rapids MI and I was really enjoying myself.  I jumped back in to start my second knife so I was way ahead of schedule.  As I waited for LML to finish his knife, I sat down at a table with a lovely man in his 70’s and he told me stories of the history of the local area and his childhood.  I was absolutely enthralled, it was like speaking to my grandfather again (ok, without the Scottish accent and there’s NO WAY Grandpa would have been a hunter) but I truly enjoyed it.  When the gentleman found out I was Canadian he very quickly went on to clarify that he thought the President was bad and hoped we didn’t all think Americans were like Trump or supported him.  I was shocked, and very pleasantly surprised.  I assured him that I had a number of American friends who had already clarified that for me.

Then, just when I think we’ve got this thing licked, I made the HORRENDOUS mistake of having dinner with two other Canadian attendees.  They were loudmouthed and brash, saying they’d put a bullet in our Prime Minister’s head given the chance.  Ok, I had walked into this event worried about the brash American rednecks and the only jerk’s I’d discovered were from my homeland.  UGH.

I tried my best to avoid those men for the rest of the adventure and spend time talking to some of the other fascinating attendees.  A pair of very “alternative” chicks, tattoos and piercings, who were sleeping in a Teepee and riding bikes around.  Admiring the knives being created and generally enjoying myself.  LML was right, as soon as I relax and start talking to people I have a really good time.  Except for those two jerks from Hamilton, I hope I never see or hear them again!

One to grow on

Sometimes you get so mired in your own thoughts and ideas, you fail to recognize what’s right in front of you.  Last Halloween, we had a pumpkin carving contest at work.  My department (Marketing) won against Sales, Customer Service and the Warehouse teams.  We’re marketing creative and cool is what we do.  Then, two months later we had a gingerbread house building party.  Once again we were wildly creative but lost out to the Customer Service team.  I figured we paid the Marketing Penalty that we couldn’t win everything, and like our annual awards, it’s pretty much participation and who would win “this time”.    We’d built an awesome gingerbread house with a snowy lawn and a drunken snowball fight between snowmen and gingerbread men.  I was disappointed we didn’t win, but whatever …

Marketing

Customer Service - the winner

We missed the pumpkin carving this year, but they resurrected the gingerbread house contest.  One of my newer coworkers was appointed captain by our boss and she promptly picked a beach theme.  The team worked on this all week.  We planned, plotted, decorated, expanded and (we thought) knocked it out of the park.  We brought our creation out of the lab and scoped out the competition.  It wasn’t even close (in our minds) we had this with totally creative and out of the box thinking and design. 

Marketing 

Well, Customer Service won again.

We were stunned.  Their entry was pretty, but ours was EPIC.  I figured they were just playing nice with the Customer Service team that always takes shit and has a tough job.  Marketing and Sales get all the accolades and awards, the travel and the perks, so let CS have this?  That was all I could think.  Our Captain decided to dig further, whereas the rest of us had simply shrugged our shoulders and given up.  She decided to find out what the “scorecard” was.  Once she had that information it became very clear why the CS team had one and we had lost.  We had this “post-Christmas Santa getaway Beach house” theme, which wasn’t what the judges were looking for at all.  They were judging on “how Christmasy it was” which ours really wasn’t and “how nice the piping was” we didn’t have any piping.  That was the eye-opening moment for me.  We didn’t know where the goal post was, how the hell were we ever going to make the shot?  Instead of looking for what the judges wanted, we gave them what we wanted, and as a result, we lost.  It was an epiphany moment because that would relate to our work as well.  Instead of pushing what WE want on our customer, we need to really dig to find out what the customer WANTS that’s the only way to win.

So, next year, before we take a knife to pumpkin or icing to gingerbread, I’m going to find out what it’s going to be judged on, and do THAT.

If I cannot lead by example, allow me to at least be a warning.

I’m looking forward to my wedding in 2015 with a great deal of excitement.  I’m fortunate enough to have found the love of my life, and he loves me back.  He treats me like a princess and a person.  He has a great deal of respect for me, what I do, and more importantly who I am.  He calls me SuperMom (one of my favourite compliments) and is always honest with me.  I not only trust him with my heart, I trust him with my boys and my life. 

But of course, this isn’t my first rodeo, or trip down the aisle.  I did it, almost 20 years ago, believing it would be the only time I would ever get married.  I was marrying a man I respected and loved, and that was enough, or so I thought.  I look back and it’s not all my fault, nor is it his entire fault why the marriage didn’t work.  We were simply two people so broken together, nothing could repair us.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m forever grateful we didn’t work out, so that I could find the love of my life.  I spent literally decades asking “is this all there is? Is this all that marriage is?”  I was lonely, I wanted someone who WANTED to BE with me, and my ex-husband didn’t.   He wanted me to mother his children, and be successful in my career, but he didn’t want to share a life.

I can see so clearly where we went wrong, and I WILL NOT make those mistakes again.

1.       When you make mistakes, OWN THEM.

This was a huge mistake on both our parts.  You can never recover from a lie / mistake / betrayal if you don’t completely own it.  If you aren’t honest with your partner about what happened, you can’t be truly sorry, and you cannot be truly forgiven.  I believe this is fear driven most of all.  When you have to admit to someone very close how badly you screwed up, you actually have to face it yourself.  Avoidance is easier, but in the long term, it’s poison and allows the act to fester and rot.

2.       Make your partner a priority.

Not an afterthought, not a problem, but someone important in your life.  Fall in love with someone you want to DO things with, someone you want to be physically close to as much as possible.  I’m not saying you have to be joined at the hip, and absolutely EVERY activity needs to be shared, but don’t forgo your partner at the expense of other interests.   Make sure you get some quality couple time.  It’s so easy to get lost in the business of everyday life.  With children, homes, jobs, friends, families, interest … so many things to do and organize, it’s critical that you carve out some time together to connect.  Maybe a coffee on a Sunday morning while the kids are playing or watching cartoons, a dinner out if you can swing it, or just sitting together talking while the kids play at the park.  So many opportunities to not only be together but to connect together that get lost in the shuffle, so instead of saying no, learn to say yes to these times.

3.       The small things count.

Yes, everyone loves big extravagant presents, grandiose gestures of love, and to be spoiled rotten, but often the small things, the simplest of gestures (while providing your mutual friends with great opportunity to post DI-A-BEE-TUS gifs on your facebook feed), go a LONG way in making your loved one feel as special as they deserve to be.  Buy a little gift or card, and put it somewhere they’ll see it if you can’t be there to welcome them home at the end of the day.  Do their laundry and put it away without expecting a HUGE thank you (or the proverbial parade).  Tell them that they make you happy, or just smile at them and tell them you love them out of the blue.  Yes, the big weddings and vacations and purchases are fun, but it’s the small things that bind you together.

4.       Don’t try to live to the standards of others.

I made this mistake for so long.  I did what I thought others expected me to do.  Hell, I didn’t even ask or get told what to do; I took guesses and just did that.  I shake my head now at the stupidity of it all.  I let go of the need to be judged and valued by others and learned what it took to make ME happy.  I don’t worry about “keeping up with the Jones’ “or anyone else.  I just do what makes me, my partner and my family happy. 

The bottom line is that happiness is truly a choice, granted, often not an easy one as you cannot please everyone else and yourself all the time.  When I did finally decided that my happiness was important, and recognized what it was going to take to get there I turned my life upside down.  It was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.  I’m happier, my kids are happier, my partner is happy, my employer is happy that I’m happy, as are my family and friends.  I do not regret one day of my past, as it’s brought me to where I am now, and I’m truly happy.  It took a LOT for me to be able to say that, but I really am!

A weekend of discovery

Well, this past weekend was supposed to be about BBE’s work Christmas Party.  While we were in the cozy Amsterdam Brewhouse enjoying our flight of Tempest Stouts and some delicious food, he asks me “How would you feel if we didn’t go to the Party tonight and just hung out”.  OH HELL YES PLEASE!  It’s not that I don’t want to know his coworkers, a few of them (just from the stories) I’m actually rather interested in meeting, but I don’t really like sharing my time with him, and given the opportunity, YES I’m going to jump at the chance to have him all to myself!  That’s when we also realized the tickets were still safely hanging from the fridge. 

Yay, I get a whole weekend and I don’t have to share him.  The gifts were with their father and we had NOTHING else planned until 6:00 pm Sunday evening.  It’s time to chat!  We have talks about how things are, how things are going.  If there’s anything bothering either of us, if anything is missing.  We haven’t had one of these talks in AGES so it felt awesome to be able to resume it.  One of the things we talked about is that BBE considers himself to be an Introvert.  That really surprised me because I find him incredibly outgoing and charismatic (traits not often associated with an introvert).  He sent me this image via facebook and I had a read over.

Many of the points I consider common courtesy and wouldn’t do to ANYONE, being introverted or extroverted!

1.    Respect their need for privacy

2.    Never embarrass them in public

3.    Let them observe first in new situations

4.    Give them time to think, don’t demand instant answers

5.    Don’t interrupt them

6.    Give them advance notice of expected changes in their lives

7.    Give them 15 minutes warning to finish whatever they’re doing

8.    Reprimand them privately

9.    Teach them new skills privately

10.  Enable them to find ONE best friend who has similar interests & abilities

11.  Don’t push them to make lots of friends

12.  Respect their Introversions and don’t try to remake them into an Extrovert.

Ok, so here’s what I think. 

#1 & #2 that should be everyone.  You should always respect people’s privacy and NEVER embarrass anyone in public.  However, I’m a loud extrovert, if I embarrass him, it will be unintentional, but I’ll try to watch it.

#3 Ok, this is food for thought.  I tend to jump into most situations (often without a clue) and will stumble around until I figure it out.  Perhaps I should try to observe first too, it sounds like a WAY smarter way of doing things.

#4 this one is hard for me.  When I want to know something I can be pretty darned impatient.  However, I have learned that when I ask something (regarding feelings or sensitive topic) I’m best served to give him time to think about his answer.  We have MUCH better communication that way and fewer misunderstandings.

#5 this one should go for anyone.  It’s a sign of respect to listen and NOT interrupt.  As well, when you interrupt you’re not ACTIVELY listening to what someone is saying, you’re just trying to be heard.

#6 yes, this one is hard.  With two full time employed people with commutes and two active boys, sometimes things have to be done on the fly.  We try to organize and anticipate as much as possible, but this one will likely be an ongoing challenge.

#7 he HATES it when I act like I expect him to drop what he’s doing when I say something.  Of course he does, that’s RUDE.  Wow, extroverts are a royal PITA huh?

#8 I would NEVER reprimand him, publically or privately, but I address anything private … PRIVATELY.

#9 hey, you don’t need to know what goes on behind closed doors!  :-P

#10 fortunately for this extrovert, that introvert is also my best friend <3 o:p="">

#11 I don’t push him to do anything. 

#12 we’ve already got 3 extroverts in the house, I’m so grateful we’ve got this amazing introvert to keep us all sane.

I have some on line friends that are Introverts, but I’ve usually been surrounded by other type A extroverts all my life, so I find these types of learning’s very valuable!  

You are BEAUTIFUL!

Obviously my weight and body image has been on my mind (see last post).  BBE is INCREDIBLY supportive (as he truly understands body image issues) and suggests ideas without making me feel guilty for not executing them for my “excuses”.  Again (like always) BBE just rocks. 

I’m reading an article, one of many that speaks to me, on “how to be happy”.  I nod and smile as I’ve learned some of these incredible truths in the past few years, not worrying what others thing, that failure is often where growth comes from, etc. but one line today jumped right off the computer screen at me.

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

Wow … just wow.  I read that through a few times and let the reality really sink in.  In my previous life I often complained I felt like a pay cheque and a piece of furniture.  I know how hard it is when someone doesn’t appreciate or care about what you truly offer.  While BBE often tells me I’m beautiful, he makes me feel it.  I know he’s not just looking at exterior beauty, but that which shines from within.  From me being so proud of myself for managing our house, and saving us money on things we spend on.  From working to clean up the boys bathroom (but I left the clogged toilet in the boys room to him, he’s magical, I am not), to just getting the mundane tasks done.  When I have no makeup on, I’ve got my hair pulled back and I’m in filthy sweats, he not only tells me I’m beautiful, but he makes me believe it.

He loves me, for more than just my killer smile and pretty eyes, he’s with me for my mind, body and soul … and I am luckier than most people on the planet because of this.

Here’s the link to the enture article, it’s a good read!