The divorce is the easy part

So it’s been a year, since the paperwork on the separation was done.  August 1, 2012 is when we agreed to legally separate.  We’ve been separated (emotionally) for YEARS prior to that.  We both stayed for a long time, out of fear, out of loyalty, out of laziness.  There’s one reason that people get married, wanting a life together (for love, for family, for company or companionship) but there are a thousand of reasons to get divorced. 

I learned that the actual divorce is the easy party.   I did the separation paperwork.  We were mired in debt, and the thought of spending thousands more on an attorney was just beyond me.  So, I did some online research and discovered I can do what was referred too as a “kitchen table separation agreement”.   It wasn’t too bad in the beginning; it helped me get a handle on the assets (few) and debts (many).  I had help from friends regarding pensions and values of property.  It got ugly when I had to inventory everything in the house and assign a value to it.  The arguments ensued.  No one wanted to feel taken advantage of.  It was taking 20 years of a life together, assigning value when there was no value left in the relationship.  The separation was the hard part.  You have to itemize and valuate things, when you’re feeling raw, angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad and then you begin to feel hopeful, excited, and eager to move forward.  It’s a hard thing to do, but it needs to be done as it helps heal the wounds and propels you forward to a new and much better life.

Now, a year later, I’m back to doing my research again.  I don’t want to pay a lawyer $2K to file paperwork I can take a day and do myself.  I called a few lawyers and they want me to start at step one again.  They want financial statements, working out assets, etc, I’ve DONE that.  Those wounds have healed and I don’t feel like opening them up again.  I think he and I did a pretty good job at being equitable and fair.  No one feels ripped off, and that’s a good place.  We’re almost friends now.  We can ask favours of each other, and if it’s possible we each do it.  We’ve both moved on, knowing we will always be co-parents to those amazing boys, and it’s a good place to be.  I want to move forward.  I’ve built myself a great life with the love of my life who is also my best friend.  I have a relationship built on mutual trust, respect, honesty and love.  We’re partners in EVERYTHING.  We’re on the same team when it comes to life, work, kids, friends, family, EVERYTHING.  He’s someone I can talk to, be open and honest with, about me, my thoughts, feelings, desires, needs.  He not only listens to me, but does his best to fulfill everything.  I’m not coming through a divorce negative about love or marriage, but finally hopeful and believing in it!

I spent so many years afraid to move, now, I feel I can fly.  I finished the divorce paperwork in about 2 hours.  I’ve spoken to the ex about it.  About serving papers, costs, etc.  He’s always been willing to let me take the lead on executing things, and he’s agreeable with this.  I just need to double check my work, grab supporting documents, and hit the courts.  I’m ready too, I’m ready to be completely unfetter to move forward to the life I want!

Why wait so long to be happy?

It’s only one reason, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of hurting someone. I know … oh boy do I know. I spent YEARS in a marriage where I felt like nothing more than a pay-cheque and a piece of furniture. When I told him I was lonely, he’d tell me that was bullsh!t.; nothing like having your feelings nullified, and completely disregarded. I thought our downfall was communication, but it wasn’t, it was trust. The trust was not only broken, but ruined early on. I believe (to this day) that trust can be broken, then earned back. When one heart is open to fixing things, and the other heart is committed to doing whatever it takes to gain the trust back, I truly believe it can happen. I’ve SEEN it happen, but that was not the case for me. After having my trust broken, when I was at my most vulnerable, I was asked to offer a chance, to trust that he’d do the right thing and be honest with me. I did … then found out, years later, he’d continued to lie about things.


It didn’t matter what happened after that, what we tried, what we wanted to work, the foundation was destroyed and it was impossible to rebuild. It’s not that we didn’t try, and in the end he tried as well, I believe that, but I think at that time we were just afraid to fail, even though we were NEVER going to succeed. He’s not a bad man, I’m not a bad woman, we just weren’t right for each other. It took me a LONG time to accept that. I’d say too long, but it wasn’t, I learned at lot of lessons, what I want, more importantly what I don’t want. What I need and what I need to give to my partner, to be happy. I have the two most amazing sons, and finally a best friend, who blossomed into the love of my life.

The most amazing thing about my love now is that it’s SOLID. Even the baggage from my past, and the baggage from his, is something he and I can discuss openly and comfortably. We’re not perfect (granted we’re so close it’s scary ;) but we’re happy, we communicate, we enjoy one another and our life together. We want the same things, we want to be together, and we want the other to be as happy as we are. It’s ALL positive, it’s all good, and it’s what love should be.

When I started telling people about the divorce, and how different and incredible my life is now, many people are open with their woes. So many people are unhappy, something is holding them back, whether it’s the tools to fix what’s wrong in their relationship, or leave to be happy alone, or find someone else. I know that fear, I lived it, and fortunately with the support and love of my friends and family, I was able to choose to be happy. I hope those that I come across have the opportunity to be happy as well.