The mommy wars, FAT version.

I belong to an amazing group of women.  We met on a site 8+ years ago, and when that site did some upgrades, we migrated to a FB page.  It’s very LOW drama, and generally the women there get along and are helpful and supportive.  I’m not saying we all sign kumbai and cyber hold hands, but based on some other “private” groups I’ve seen, we really do this well. 

A few days ago I posted a WWYD (What Would You Do) regarding custody, favours and history with an ex-spouse.  While I was expecting a bit of a kick in the pants (I love these women because along with kind, they’re generally honest) but one of the moms (honestly the one I expected it from the least) went off the deep end and cyber ”tore me a new one”.  Ok, she must have been having a bad day.  I responded to her post with what I hoped was cool kindness, and the situation seemed relatively diffused.  Life goes on, no big deal.

Today one of the mom’s posted an interesting article from a fitness mom (that’s her job, she’ works in a health club) with a muscle toned body and her three young boys with the title “What’s your excuse?”  She wanted to know how we all felt about it.  It was pretty common that “what’s your excuse” as a motivator is negative, but things that motivate people to get into shape are generally good.  So … “good for her, but I’m never going to look like that” was the most common consensus.  Ok, if I worked 8 hours a day in a gym, I would EXPECT to be in great shape.  But I don’t.  I work 9.5 hours a day at a computer, drive 2.5 hours a day (with no traffic, weather or accidents) for work.  I need to sleep at least 9 hours a night, that leaves me 3 hours.  Oh yes, I like to spend time with my boys, pack their lunches, organize their clothes, do laundry, eat, clean the house …. Ok, I have exactly 1.5 minutes per day to work out.  Is that an excuse?  Well, I could work out on weekends, or on weeks the boys are at their fathers, but sometimes I just need to chill!  It’s not an excuse, it’s a matter of priorities, and apparently, at the moment, my priority isn’t to enter the Ms World contest. 

I wonder if the woman in the picture goes home and works out more?  When she’s done working for the day is she developing exceptional brand presentations to further the company’s corporate goals?  No … really then, what is her excuse?

Ok, my rant about that done, but back to my women’s group.  I was good when it was all “good for her, but I don’t have time”.  Then some of the mom’s are like “oh I hate it when people say they don’t have time, they’re just not making it a priority.  GEEEEZZZZ.  Ok, I made time for it last year, worked out 3 hours a day 6 days a week because I had the buffer to do it (was still living with exh and he would be home with the kids).  I don’t have time, could I do more?  Sure, will I look that that woman, or any person whose JOB it is to work on their body?  Nope, so lay off the “you have the time, you choose not to make it a priority” lines, that’s obnoxious.

So many conflicting emotions

It was a tough weekend, and it was because of cancer.  On Friday of last week, I took a darling 5 year old bundle of purrrr and love and had him put down because of Lymphoma.  He’d dropped a LOT of weight and was literally skin, bones and fur.  He was horribly dehydrated and it was because he likely hadn’t eaten or drank anything for a few days.  The lump was in his throat and it was obvious he was exhausted.  He’d been hiding in the lil’est gifts closet during the day and then snuggling with me when I watched tv at night.  Having had another (older) cat have cancer, I recognized the signs and new taking him in I was likely going to say goodbye to him.

Darling BBE was working evening shift and told me over and over that we had the funds to help him.  Not to worry about the money.  He’s a cat lover as well, but he was watching me agonize over the pain this poor animal was in.  I was there by myself (although I know he would have been there with me if he could have been) and I had to make the decision, either euthanize him or treat him.   When the doctor said “cancer” she asked what I wanted to do next and honestly I didn’t even think, I simply said “we should let him go”.  It was out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

Going home with an empty cage was very painful.  Every time I looked at it, I broke down crying again.  My instincts had told me I’d done the right thimg for Myles, but I was starting to second guess myself.  Was I selfish?  Was I being cheap?  Should I at least have TRIED some options if there were any, hell, shouldn’t I at least have asked?  Yep, the guilt was starting to get me.  Fortunately for me, BBE came home from work early.  He wouldn’t hear any of my “oh don’t worry about me, I’m fine” protest, I was a mess, and he knew that, and he wanted to be with me.

I was going about what was planned to be a fun and adventurous weekend, trying not to dwell on the guilt that was bothering me, then, out of the blue, my former sister-in-law called me.  She had a question that was work related for me, but also told me how her cat (16 years old) had been diagnosed with the same illness in early September.  When she and her daughter (my 26 year old niece) found out, they weren’t ready to say goodbye and opted for treatment.  She told me about the steroid shots and pain killers … and how it was simply heartbreaking to watch her suffer for another two weeks.  At the end of two weeks, they decided to say goodbye to their beloved cat.  She praised me for my strength in making a difficult and selfless decision.  Wow, that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  She not only saved my weekend, but picked me up enough that I was ready to go out and get another little bundle of purring love.  I have my beautiful little torti tabby adjusting to my house in the bathroom.

Coincidentally, it was the “Run for the Cure”, a race to raise funds for cancer research.  This same former sister-in-law ran with my other former sister-in-laws, one who is a breast cancer survivor.  I get it, we need to fight for a cure, and I’m so happy my former sister-in-law beat this horrible disease, when fighting makes sense, god dammit FIGHT!  But when it’s truly the end, why are we more “humane” to animals, allowing them to peacefully and gracefully end their suffering.  I hope (god forbid) I’m ever struck with a terminal illness, that we have the HUMANITY to end suffering.

Reason 4,248 why the mean girls hate me

I’ve worked here for just shy of 2 years.  The department was in chaos when I first started.  One person (who I replaced) retired with no notice a couple of months prior and another was off on “stress level”.  That left TCW (toxic coworker) trying to hold down the fort and during my interview, act as if nothing was wrong.  She actually did a good job and it earned her Senior to her title earlier this year.    Then FCW (flakey coworker) was promoted into the stress puppy’s job and everything seemed right with the world.  Three women, ready to take our industry by storm.  We had lunch together every day, chit chatted a lot, griped about husbands (A LOT) and basically were thick as thieves. 

After about 6 months things changed, and rather dramatically; I decided that I needed to stop bitching about my life (specifically my marriage) and CHOOSE to be happy.   No one was going to do it for me; I had to do it myself.  So, I separated from my then-husband, buckled down at work and did an awesome launch, focused on me, my health, my best friend, my kids and my job.  It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

Now life is very different, I’m SPOILED with love.  Those who truly love me and are my friends are thrilled to see me so happy.  I’m enjoying my job, I have a VERY busy schedule with my kids and the love of my life.  We do things together.  We go to Toronto to our favourite brew pubs and bistros.  We attend beer and / or wine tasting events.  We explore, we’re having fun, all of it together or together with the kids.  Today we had a babyshower lunch for and awesome coworkers.  This awesome coworker has met (and had lunch with) my boyfriend and since he was on nights, I invited him to the lunch as well, I knew ACW would like that.  Of course when TCW & FCW walked in they were surprised.  Even thought TCW’s husband had worked with our company for a year (recently) she NEVER would have invited him. 

The problem is, they’re women stuck in relationships that aren’t working for them.  TCW has made it clear (to me during the friendly times) that she’s just sticking it out for the kids.  When her youngest goes off to University (5 years from now) she plans on handing her husband walking papers.  WOW.  FCW cycles through liking her partner and hating him.  I think they’re poorly matched, but he’s cute and makes good money, so she’s putting up with it.  She really doesn’t think life could be better.  Now they’re watching me happy in love and spoiled rotten.  They will make snide remarks which I usually ignore, but their faces today, that I include my love in on this celebration was priceless.  Yep, bite me biotches!  I’ve chosen to be happy and go ahead and hate me for it.  Hate me because I’m beautiful too!

Where does the time go?

Seriously, where does the time go?  I don’t spend my weeks wishing for the weekends.  I don’t obsess on making work go by quickly to get to vacation time.  I don’t wish my life away, but it seems like the clock is spinning faster and faster these days.  Admittedly part of the reason I haven’t blogged lately was access issues (that’ll teach me to let the eldest gift have my google account on his tablet device), but I’ve got it back now and it’s time to blog.

I had a truly unique and wonderful experience today.  As a working mother, while I’m not racked with guilt, I do miss out on a lot of what goes on in the classroom with the gifts.  I help them with assignments and prepare for presentations but only hear how they go afterwards from the boys.  I get “it was okay” or “I don’t remember” … so it’s something I always miss out on.

Not today, and it was such a treat.  The eldest gift is in a very technology centric class (grade three and he’s required to have a tablet device with a camera).  I thought this was a bit excessive, but today I realized how great it is … FOR ME … that he has this.  The teacher videoed his “About Me” presentation, marked it and posted it to his google drive.  I logged on today from work and watched the presentation and saw the marks.  It was INCREDIBLE.  Instead of the not-focused, quiet spoken, goofy kid he was confident and articulate.  He put in some great detail into his presentation and spoke clearly.  He did well and the teachers’ comments and marks reflected that.  I was amazing to see how confident, well spoken and creative he is.  I was bursting with pride and joy.  What a gift to a working mother who misses her boys, but to have a video of a presentation he did for class! 

I’m one happy beanie spinning mom today!

I should have checked my fortune stones!

I purchased fortune stones (fortune telling) at GenCon last week.  Apparently I should have checked them this morning as they likely would have advised me to stay in bed.  My first day back to work started off with the complete inability to drag my exhausted butt outta bed.  That’ll teach me to sleep into 10:00 am for over a week.  *yawn*.  Then it would appear that I switched my razor with a cheese grater in my bathroom as I did an AWESOME job of bloodying my legs this morning.  GROSS.  Seriously, blood running down BOTH shins.  Jackson thought the large pieces of red tissue paper stuck to my shins this morning was fascinating.  I likely should have put pants on, but I was running late and already had a skirt picked out for the day.

After herding the boys into the truck (this was actually one of the easier parts of my day) I managed to drop my new water bottle (metal and FULL of water) on to previously mentioned bleeding shin and eventually my foot (clad only in sandals)  OUCH … @#&$*&@^$*@#. 

Did I mention that I’m fighting Con Crud too?  My throat feels like I’ve gargled with razor blades (so THAT’S where the blades went and the reason I had to use the cheese grater on my legs) … *sigh*. 

Fortunately there were no disastrous accidents or traffic delays on the way into work, but I did need to drop the truck off (we’ve been trying to get it Eco-certified for my license renew – due next week) and I informed the mechanic of my joyous ride home last time I picked it up (stalled a dozen times going home during BRUTAL traffic)AND the engine light was still on.  I have until Friday to get this sorted out or I’ll be taking transit to work!  He promptly informed me it may be time to call in a priest.  NO!  I love my truck … fix it!

So, I finally get to work and one of my coworkers is parked in my boss’ spot.  Hmmmm apparently boss is on vacation (again) and I haven’t seen him since July.  He was off, and then I was off, now he’s off again.  He’s emailing me for updates as I’m sure his boss is looking for them so that’s going to take a while to type out … of course the answer to most of them is “I don’t know, let me catch up from vacation”.   It’s also deathly quiet in the office.  My two coworkers don’t appear to be in a good mood, as neither is talking to the other (one is ALWAYS in the other’s office gabbing) and neither are talking to me.  Good news is, no one is bothering me while I catch up, bad news is that the vibe in here is pretty negative.  

The divorce is the easy part

So it’s been a year, since the paperwork on the separation was done.  August 1, 2012 is when we agreed to legally separate.  We’ve been separated (emotionally) for YEARS prior to that.  We both stayed for a long time, out of fear, out of loyalty, out of laziness.  There’s one reason that people get married, wanting a life together (for love, for family, for company or companionship) but there are a thousand of reasons to get divorced. 

I learned that the actual divorce is the easy party.   I did the separation paperwork.  We were mired in debt, and the thought of spending thousands more on an attorney was just beyond me.  So, I did some online research and discovered I can do what was referred too as a “kitchen table separation agreement”.   It wasn’t too bad in the beginning; it helped me get a handle on the assets (few) and debts (many).  I had help from friends regarding pensions and values of property.  It got ugly when I had to inventory everything in the house and assign a value to it.  The arguments ensued.  No one wanted to feel taken advantage of.  It was taking 20 years of a life together, assigning value when there was no value left in the relationship.  The separation was the hard part.  You have to itemize and valuate things, when you’re feeling raw, angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad and then you begin to feel hopeful, excited, and eager to move forward.  It’s a hard thing to do, but it needs to be done as it helps heal the wounds and propels you forward to a new and much better life.

Now, a year later, I’m back to doing my research again.  I don’t want to pay a lawyer $2K to file paperwork I can take a day and do myself.  I called a few lawyers and they want me to start at step one again.  They want financial statements, working out assets, etc, I’ve DONE that.  Those wounds have healed and I don’t feel like opening them up again.  I think he and I did a pretty good job at being equitable and fair.  No one feels ripped off, and that’s a good place.  We’re almost friends now.  We can ask favours of each other, and if it’s possible we each do it.  We’ve both moved on, knowing we will always be co-parents to those amazing boys, and it’s a good place to be.  I want to move forward.  I’ve built myself a great life with the love of my life who is also my best friend.  I have a relationship built on mutual trust, respect, honesty and love.  We’re partners in EVERYTHING.  We’re on the same team when it comes to life, work, kids, friends, family, EVERYTHING.  He’s someone I can talk to, be open and honest with, about me, my thoughts, feelings, desires, needs.  He not only listens to me, but does his best to fulfill everything.  I’m not coming through a divorce negative about love or marriage, but finally hopeful and believing in it!

I spent so many years afraid to move, now, I feel I can fly.  I finished the divorce paperwork in about 2 hours.  I’ve spoken to the ex about it.  About serving papers, costs, etc.  He’s always been willing to let me take the lead on executing things, and he’s agreeable with this.  I just need to double check my work, grab supporting documents, and hit the courts.  I’m ready too, I’m ready to be completely unfetter to move forward to the life I want!

Actually taking vacation

Ok, I did it.  For the first time in recent memory I took a full week’s vacation … and not only that, I went unplugged from work.  Anyone that knows me knows I’m a bit of a workaholic control freak!  My iPhone is NEVER far from my side, save the shower, and then it’s on the bathroom counter.  I keep the volume turned on if I actually let one of the gifts play with it, and they know, without question or hesitation that if it makes the “bing” sound, they must hand it back to me immediately so I can check it.  This is how I live, and I’m used to it.

The Saturday of my first night of vacation we had some friends over.  Friends that we’d met through the oldest gifts class.  He and she had been in class together since JK and they’ve just completed grade 2.  Her mother is a SAHM, and is rather introverted and shy.  Yep, she is the polar opposite of me, but her husband is very outgoing and charismatic, so I think she likes that I’m bit like him.  She asked me what I do about work when I’m on vacation.  Well, I usually check my email, but I’d already warned work that BBE was going to throw my phone in the St Lawrence while we were in Montreal if I worked, so I did the unthinkable.  I disabled my work email from my iPhone.  I thought I’d start shaking and sweating, but the liquid courage (in the form of a lovely Sauvignon Blanc) gave me courage.  I figured I’d wake up with a hangover and a giant regret as I scrambled to reconnect my email to my lifeline, however, neither happened the next morning.  I woke up feeling refreshed and excited about a week free of work.

I did it, and it was FREEING.  I reconnected my email to my iPhone (for the record, it’s my personal iPhone as the company does not provide me with one and it’s completely my choice to stay connected as I do).  They’re used to me checking my emails while not at work, and everyone spoke to me upon my return as if I was 100% up to date and in the loop.  I wasn’t, and I just smiled, managed through my 8:00 am communications meeting the morning I returned throwing out phrases like “I’m still following up on that” or “I haven’t heard back yet, I’ll check”.    No one seemed to notice my absence for a week.  While I assumed I’d be crestfallen, like the organization would crumble without me, I was thrilled that I managed to set things up well enough that things could run smoothly in my absence, and I could slide right back in and pick up where things were left off with my batteries completely recharged and ready to face work happily.

It also gives me hope that if I do go out on maternity leave again, that it would be devastating. Shhhhhhhhh that’s for another blog J