Early in the pandemic, I read, “We’re all in the same storm, but riding it out on different boats”, and I’ve carried that along with me.  I’m seeing my feed fill up with people upset that they’re sending kids back to in-school learning that will lead to the third wave and it’s going to undo all the work we’ve done. 

I get it and they are right. 

I’ve also seen people relieved because distance learning is hard.  It’s hard for kids to sit at a screen and try to focus, it’s hard on the kids who thrive on classmate interaction and socialization.  It’s hard on the mental health of the students, teachers, and parents. 

I get it, they’re right.

Both boys have been in distance learning since March 2020.  I’m high risk and have been working from home since then.  While Ethan has been successful, he’s feeling left behind and cannot take the courses he wants remotely.  He ended up with two courses last semester that was never one of his choices.  He asked to go back this month, and I agreed.  Jackson, however, hasn’t been as successful with remote learning.  I’m not going to lay it all on his shoulders or all on his teachers, but the first half of this school year would have been more productive with Jack playing cards to practice math and going for walks to learn about geography.  We all decided it would be best for him to return to in-school learning this month.  The saving grace is that he’s been assigned to one of the BEST teachers in his school for the remainder of the year.  I see a dramatic turnabout coming.

I’m anxious, I know they’ll be anxious.  We have to improve our Covid protocols at the front door.  They really haven’t left the house with the exception of going to their fathers since the summer.  I didn’t even bother buying them winter gear … and darn it I’m scrambling to find boots and snow-pants now.  There’s so much unknown and while I’d rather have them both home until there is mass vaccination, it’s not realistic for either of them, and I have to accept that.

 

Pandemic Fine
(noun)

It’s living through a global pandemic while maintaining your job and your health while still feeling tired, worried, and just done with everything.

 

It’s okay, I’m “fine”.

 

The unexpected blog post

I came here today with a post about the pandemic, about being a parent and employee, and the challenges therein.  Then I saw it’s been over a year since I last posted.  The ironic part is today is the one year anniversary of Michael’s funeral.  That box has opened for me and I can grieve him now.  I can be grateful he’s no longer in pain, but I can also miss him. 

One of the gifts he gave me during our friendship with the love of the band “Elbow”.  He introduced me to this wonderful English band.  He actually bought me tickets for Christmas one year as they were in concert in Toronto.  BHE has even bought tickets when they returned a few years back.  The songs are wonderful stories that are beautifully written and fantastically sung.  There is little else that makes me feel closer to him than when I listen to Elbow.  It took about 6 months after the last blog post where I could listen to my favourite tracks without immediately falling apart.  Just knowing what’s happened is helped me heal.  I will always miss him, but the pain is healing because I know.

On the other hand, I still never received confirmation of Michaela.  One of my coworkers was a friend of hers as well (I introduced them).  My coworker lives very near where Michaela did with one of her sisters.  Michaela had two sisters who work as teachers in that area.  About a year ago my coworker noticed that one of Michaela’s sisters would be teaching at her youngest daughter’s school.  After a lot of thought and discussion, she emailed Michaela’s sister to explain that her daughter knew Michaela and would likely recognize the last name and to inquire as to what happened.  It would seem that it is the family trait as she never responded to my coworkers' email.  I wasn’t surprised but I was saddened and Michaela remains in this little box.

One of the bright spots is that during the past year Nicole’s widower found a new love and got married.  Now a lovely woman and a doting father are raising her boys.  I know she’s looking down fondly at all of them.  I can genuinely smile when I see her name pop up on my Facebook memories and I know I was truly blessed to have known and loved such a dear friend.

Schrodinger’s Friends

This is where I am at right now.  It is not a fun place to be.  Cancer; it sucks, we all know it sucks.  You know else, sucks, not knowing if someone you love is dead or alive.  I’ve had three hard cancer hits in the past few years.

Nicole – beautiful and brilliant mother of two.  Close to my age, her boys are close to my boys’ age.  Bile duct cancer (green ribbon).  When she was diagnosed, we all followed her journey.  Watched her battle like a warrior.  Watched her fight like her life depended on it, because it did.  She lost that battle and I felt a feeling of sorrow I’d never felt before.  Sad for her children who lost her.  Sad for her husband who loved her so much.  Sad for myself, and our group of friends, who had that beautiful light extinguished.  Sometimes a memory will come up on Facebook with her and I’m finally getting to that place where I remember her with love, instead of just the overwhelming sadness.  I miss her, I will always miss her, but I can mourn her properly.

Michaela – a beautiful and tortured soul who stood by my side as I went through one of the ugliest and hardest parts of my life.  While I tore my life to pieces, she always loved me for who I was, not who I tried to be.  With that help, I learned to love myself the same way.  She was forever off-balance, a wanderer (but not always lost), often uncomfortable in her how skin and constantly struggled to find her place in this world.  Breast Cancer (pink ribbon) of all things.  The irony was beyond painful.  I remember when she sat on the couch with me and cried as she told me.  Again, I believed she would prevail and my only real concern was that she would choose not to fight.  I was so grateful when she chose chemo.  I was certain she would be fine.  Caught early enough it can be treated.  My former mother in law won her battle, my former sister in law too.   She was younger and stronger than both of them.  She was my maid of honour at my wedding, she was my voice of reason often and when all else failed, my soft place to land.  I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.  She no longer responds to my texts.  I’ve searched her name for obituaries but haven’t found it.  She’s in Schrodinger’s box and it hurts.

Michael – a dear friend in a faraway land.  We have had a long and close friendship for over 15 years.  I remember the day my youngest was born, he called me while I was in labour.  I’d been in the hospital for over a week and he’d call me daily to keep me company.  I told him we would always be friends.  He’d know what University my child would go to.  I watched both of his children get married, the birth of his first grandchild.  I know the struggles with his wife, but he loved her dearly and would never leave her.  We watch me struggle with being me.  He supported me through my divorce and was thrilled that I found the love of my life and cheered me along all the way.  He’d always worked so hard for everything he had.  Finally, he was at a place in his life where he could enjoy his properties, his family, his life.  Brain cancer (grey ribbon).  He was given 3-6 months and that was 15 months ago.   We live on different continents.  I’d tried to keep up the cheerful, chatty emails but the responses got fewer and fewer over the months.  On Christmas day I reached out with a Merry Christmas note and got a terse note back that he was in the hospital.  I haven’t heard anything since.  I follow his Facebook page for news.  I follow his family’s pages for news.   A few brief, sad posts last week that make me worried he’s come to his end, and I’ll never know.  He’s in Schrodinger’s box too, and it really hurts.

In both cases, I don’t want to reach out to the families.  I don’t want to bring up any more pain than they’re already going through.  I’m not important in these situations, they are and I respect that the most.  Knowing where the end gives you a point to begin to heal and move on.  Maybe one day I’ll get closure, but until then, I’ll run my fingers along the tattoo on my left arm I got for the three of them.  

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

The moral conundrum

What do you do when the idiotic provincial government makes changes that do benefit you and your children but also damage the educational opportunities for the poorest in the province?  Our Premier announced a reduction of tuition fees for Ontario Students.  Cool, with possibly two kids attending post-secondary education within the next decade, that’s literally music to my ears.  I actually thought “wow, that doofus did something good” but of course that surprise was quickly replaced with disgust when I’d found out the rest of the changes he’d made.

BlogTO Article

While he’s reducing tuition by up to 10%, he’s eliminating grants for lower-income students and removing the grace period that the loans need to be paid back.  While a Post-Secondary student could continue to focus on their studies and work to get a job in their respective field after graduation, that’s no longer the case as they immediately need to start repaying their loan once they graduate.

The question is: do I complain, protest, try to affect change?  The changes they’ve made directly affect my children in a positive way, shouldn’t I just be happy with that?  Brings me back to the time where the Prime Minister (who I support) changed the child tax laws ending my monthly payment while at the same time, doubling or tripling the payment to the lowest income families.  I had a coworker ask me if I was mad and I just shrugged.  I didn't need it, and I bet it went a long way to help out those other families so I was just fine with it.

He knows me

Yesterday BHE decided to take an impromptu vacation day.  After coming down and seeing my cranky butt for lunch, he went to his work, booked off the day and went home.  The gifts were excited to see him as he was on nights this week, and they miss him when they don’t get to see him.  I’ll admit, I was really looking forward to going home as I knew he was going to be there.  This week is my “single mom” week where BHE works nights and I only get to see him for lunch (one day, sometimes twice) and on weekend.  His job has always been like this.  I’m used to it, while I’d rather he works straight days, it’s a good job and he is amazing at it.

  

Last night, I get home and I’m still in full single mom mode.  Figuring out how to feed the gifts, get the oldest to and from his rehearsal on the other end of town, realizing I don’t have to drag the youngest gift out because BHE is there.  I’m dropping things in hallways and on counters, looking around, checking the time, in my usual “just got home from work fluster” and BHE is standing in the kitchen, looking at me with his arms open.  He wants to give me a hug.  All of a sudden I melt into his arms and time slows down.  I take a deep breath and hug him.  Enjoying his warm, loving the connection, relaxing.  He knows me, better than I know myself.  He gets me to slow down, calm down and relax when I need it.

 

I always say he’s my rock.  I truly am the luckiest woman ever. 

Some days’ shine, but this one has been epic!

Ok, we all know that for the most part, I’m a generally happy person who enjoys herself.  The Love of My Life (LML) works really hard to make sure we have epic adventures and fun times.  Just over the past few weeks, we’ve got to a few musicals, an amazing concert, wonderful Christmas parties, etc.  My feed is often filled with shiny happy me and LML and often the gifts as well.

While the light in my life often shines brightly today has been absolutely amazing and feel like this needs to be documented for posterity, or at least a reminder when I hit one of those crappy days.

·        My drive to work was quick and uneventful.  When you have an hour commute through the snow belt in winter you enjoy the peaceful drives.

·        LML has found a new series of books for me to listen to on the phone during my drive and they’re just awesome!  I almost want to be stuck in traffic so I can listen a little more.

·        Two of my favourite Instagram woodworkers came into the office today to see one of my coworkers (woodcare manager) and I busted in on their meeting so I could get these amazing guys on board with some of my products I thought they’d find helpful.  They’re absolutely delightful and I laughed … A LOT during this hour.

·        LML came out and took me out to lunch to my FAVOURITE pizza place AND we both have leftovers.

·        One of our newest hires turns out to be one of the BEST cosplayers around!  She’s actually used some of my products in her costume making and HOLY CRAP she’s absolutely amazing.  I can’t WAIT to show the gifts her account.

·        Another of my favourite DIY Diva’s came in for a visit.  She just lights up the place and makes me smile.

That’s not even it.  I have a relatively easy day, I should leave on time and I’ll listen to more of that book on my way home, then get to have dinner with two of the prettiest ladies in my life.

I’ve been mired in work, stress, tired, fighting sickness, dealing with the impending death of one of my best friends so it seems pretty dark lately.  Today got a whole lot brighter and it’s fed, my soul!

Preconceived notions and growing beyond your comfort zone

LML and I went on an adventure last week.  He likes to find new and cool things and completely throw himself into them.  His passions are EPIC and it is so much fun to get swept up in the excitement of a new discovery.  About 2 years ago he discovered high-end custom hunting knives.  He’s not a knife maker nor a hunter, but he learned all about these beautiful works of art and after months of research purchased his first one.  No, understand these aren’t cheap by any stretch of the imagination.  They’re made in the USA and built by hand.  Each one slightly unique and designed to perfection.  It’s getting harder and harder to find handcrafted, lifetime warranty perfection, but he found it in these knives.

One of the other things about this group is what a community it is.  The particular knife maker LML was purchasing from has three “Grind-Ins” per year.  This is an opportunity for the knife enthusiast to come to the facility in northern Michigan to make their very own knives.  They have been holding these events for 14 years and they’re highly in demand.  We have actually been on the waiting list to attend for 18 months.  They tend to book up quickly!

If you know me, hunting, guns, knives, camo … these really aren’t “my thing”.  I’m much more comfortable in a dress, eating a gourmet meal and going to the symphony, so this was certainly out of my comfort zone.  LML was really excited about this, so I didn’t really give it much thought other than booking hotels and plotting routes for driving.  As we pulled into the facility on the first day, we’re behind a really big pickup truck and I groan.  The truck had stickers on it that said “Hillary for Prison” and NRA.  Oh crap.  I didn’t give much thought to the demographics of the attendees.  I’m very liberal, can’t stand the NRA on principle (to be clear, my issue is not with guns, but with the organization).  I think the current President of the USA is an overgrown toddler doing WAAAAAYYYYYY more damage than good.  I think I just landed in Trump-land and I’m likely going to lose a large part of my tongue from biting it.

The first night we’re there it’s a mixer.  We don’t know anyone.  They’re drinking lite American beer and many are smoking.  Yep, not my crowd.  I’m getting anxious, realizing I’m totally out of my element and worried that this was a big mistake.  However, LML kept me calm, and we had an okay time that first time, although I was rather relieved to get back to the hotel and to my glass of wine.

Ok, Techy, time to put on your big girl panties and make this an awesome adventure.  The second day we arrived early, and sat and waited for the safety talk.  The doughnut I had there was the size of my head and definitely kept me full until lunch.  We had our safety talk and were set loose.  LML and I got split up because we wanted to do different things.  I’m very much a “figure out what’s going on and do it as efficiently as possible” type of person, so I’d ask people what my next step was as I walked my knife through this process.  At this event, you could do as much or as little as you were comfortable with, and I basically spent the day documenting my machete’s creation.  I relaxed and started to chat with the people queuing up with me.  A lovely young man from New Jersey, a nice lady from DC.  We talked about knives and where we were from and I really started to enjoy myself.  Out of the 86 people who attended I was the 13^th (my lucky number) to finish.  WOW, I wasn’t expecting that at all.  The first 45 knives done got a gift card to one of their distributors.  I sassily walked back to LML who was still way behind me and showed off my gift card, then handed it to him.

We had lunch with another awesome Financial Banker from Grand Rapids MI and I was really enjoying myself.  I jumped back in to start my second knife so I was way ahead of schedule.  As I waited for LML to finish his knife, I sat down at a table with a lovely man in his 70’s and he told me stories of the history of the local area and his childhood.  I was absolutely enthralled, it was like speaking to my grandfather again (ok, without the Scottish accent and there’s NO WAY Grandpa would have been a hunter) but I truly enjoyed it.  When the gentleman found out I was Canadian he very quickly went on to clarify that he thought the President was bad and hoped we didn’t all think Americans were like Trump or supported him.  I was shocked, and very pleasantly surprised.  I assured him that I had a number of American friends who had already clarified that for me.

Then, just when I think we’ve got this thing licked, I made the HORRENDOUS mistake of having dinner with two other Canadian attendees.  They were loudmouthed and brash, saying they’d put a bullet in our Prime Minister’s head given the chance.  Ok, I had walked into this event worried about the brash American rednecks and the only jerk’s I’d discovered were from my homeland.  UGH.

I tried my best to avoid those men for the rest of the adventure and spend time talking to some of the other fascinating attendees.  A pair of very “alternative” chicks, tattoos and piercings, who were sleeping in a Teepee and riding bikes around.  Admiring the knives being created and generally enjoying myself.  LML was right, as soon as I relax and start talking to people I have a really good time.  Except for those two jerks from Hamilton, I hope I never see or hear them again!

Tapping out on Cancer

Just a month ago, I lost my dear friend Nicole to bile duct cancer.  For two years, one of my closest friends has been in palliative care for breast cancer.  She tried treatment with zero effect so she chose to live her life to the fullest for the time she had left.  Then, I find out that one of my closest friends has multiple brain tumours and has been given 6-9 months.  

FUCK, stop already.  

Last week, LML’s step-grandmother passed away.  She was old, with failing health and a long life filled with lots of family who love her and will miss her.  That’s the type of death you’re supposed to deal with.  Not the 45-year-old brilliant scientist mother of two boys or a 46-year-old woman who finally learned what it was like to live her authentic self, just to die slowly.  Not the late 50’s man who is finally able to retire, enjoy his children and grandchild and vacation in his villa in Tuscany only to be given less than a year to do so.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

It’s horrible to be angry with a disease.  There’s no face to scream at, no cause to point to and say “well if this hadn’t have happened, these families wouldn’t be so torn apart and devastated”.  I don’t believe in God in the Catholic sense, so there’s no use hating a higher power that “did this” to my loved one.  I feel useless, helpless, angry, devastated, sad and full of sorrow.

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

That’s my mantra now.  I took bereavement leave over LML’s step-grandmother.  I didn’t really morn her, hell I didn’t really know here, but I took the time, to hang with LML, extend our vacation and I don’t feel guilty about that in the slightest.  I’m booking vacations and great dinners so that we can enjoy life to the fullest because you truly never know when your last vacation or epic dinner will be your last.

• Tell people you love them
• Be kind to people
• Smile
• Hug your children
• Be grateful for what you have and humble about it.
• Live every day to the fullest.

Things I learned about myself and my kids when I took them to work for 2 days.

Ok, so I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m in Marketing.  I work for a global organization in the Canadian office bringing new technologies to the market.  We have a large meeting room that has all of our products in it on display.  We call it our Gallery.  It’s got one of the largest boardroom tables in the world in the middle of it and product all the way around.  We’ve grown over the past decade by innovation and acquisition.  As a result, we often have to “update the Gallery” and it’s often a daunting task.

This year, I decided to put my slaves … errr I mean sons to work.  They’re 13 and 10 and since they’re too young (legally) to work in Canada, the company agreed to pay them in gift cards.  For two full days work, they’d get a $100 gift card (each) to a local retailer.  They were STOKED.  Of course, Monday morning when I had to wake the 13-year-old up for the first time before 11 am all summer (woke him up at 6:40) they were less than enthusiastic.  But here are my learnings.

·        Fear of disappointing or embarrassing Mother is a wonderful motivator to maintain excellent behaviour.

·        My 13-year-old doesn’t say a lot but my 10-year-old NEVER STOPS TALKING.

·        Physical work for two boys who have done very little all summer causes them to sleep in the car all the way home and put themselves to bed early.

·        I finally found a restaurant near my work they both LOVE.  I will be stopping there often to get takeout on the way home.

·        I am physically exhausted from managing them and work for two days.

·        I don’t get to talk to LML nearly as much throughout the day when they’re with me.

·        They’re apparently freaked out by heavy rain

·        They both made me very proud with a very hard work ethic and earned every cent they made.

The youngest said he’d miss my office and he can’t wait until he’s old enough to come work here too … I’m just hoping I’ll have retired by then or I may need to put a cot in my office for naps!

Not ready yet to say goodbye

Cancer sucks.

I don’t know a single person whose life hasn’t been touched by cancer.  I lost my beloved grandmother at the age of 11 to stomach cancer.   Two years ago one of my best friends was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Unfortunately for her (and all of us who love her) the treatments didn’t work and she’s been end stage for about a year.  It’s a long time to die.

A year ago, one of my closes “mom friends” was diagnosed with bile-duct cancer.  She’s a beautiful, brilliant, happy woman.  My age, her boys close in age to my boys.  A super nerd (just like me) and a loving wife.  We had a lot in common and I considered her among my closest friends.  When she was diagnosed I sent positive vibes out into the universe for her to kick cancers ass!  I followed her journey on a cancer website, as she updated the successes and failures of her journey. 

Then, about 2 weeks ago, her husband updates her blog that the latest treatment didn’t work and she was coming to the end of her journey.  I was stunned, saddened, horrified, angry, grief-stricken.  But she’s so young!  But how will her boys and her husband go on without that incredibly bright light in their family?  We didn’t know if she had days or weeks, but he told us it wouldn’t be long after that.  Three days after finding out, she passed away peacefully in her husband’s arms.  I could almost feel a star go out, the world just became a bit dimmer without her brilliance in it.

The village that I knew her from, was a group of working mothers from all over Canada and the USA.  It had shrunk over time, but there’s still a closeness and a bond with this group.  We looked to each other for support to get through this.  I had suggested that we do a memory book of our best memories of her and send it to her husband and children.  Let them know how much she meant to so many people, how far her reach went.  I offered to collect the information and put it all together.  It’s been amazingly bittersweet.  In the beginning, every new story, every new picture, every old video sent me into another wave of tears and grief, but as I process through it, it’s making me smile.  Reminding me of how incredibly lucky I was to know and love this woman (and by extension her family as well).  Her husband was kind enough to come to our private group and offer his FaceBook profile to friend requests so we could continue watching her boys grow.  He’s a wonderful man and I can see why she loved him so much.

Remember, life is short and precious.  Enjoy every moment because it’s later than you think.   Tell the people you love how much they mean to you.  Remember the joys, forget the insults.  It’s not a dress rehearsal, this is the big show and go knock it out of the park!

Eat, Pray, Love

I’m finally getting around to this book.  I have a rather long commute (2 hours + per day) so I’ve taken to audiobooks in the car to pass the time.  I find it works better than just the news and music.  I recently finished a fabulously trashy fantasy erotica series (well at least the first 12 books) about Warrior Immortals that are paired with Demons and the human and immortal women they fall in love with.  I thoroughly enjoyed the series and my only concern is rolling up to a red light with the windows down and startling the person next to me if they’re in the middle of yet another graphic sex scene. *snert*

However, I’m now on to something a bit different.  LML downloaded Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I know that there was a movie about it with Julia Roberts and it took place in India, that was all I knew about this book as it started.  I really liked that it was actually read by the Author, it feels very genuine.  That being said there’s quite a bit I like about this book and there are some things that I really don’t like about this book.

What I don’t like about it.

The Author seems to have a rather negative view of prescription medication for mental illness.  I appreciate that she wants to use it ONLY as a last resort and that her goal is to “get off it” as soon as possible, but as someone who’s been well medicated for over 2 decades and knows that “getting of it” is not a possibility ever I find that narrow mindset insulting.  What if she was diabetic?  Would she view it as a failure if she required insulin?  Would she constantly be beating herself up for not getting over diabetes and getting off the insulin?  Is she frustrated with her body because she needs birth control to prevent getting pregnant?  Some people simply do have a chemical imbalance and the medication balances them out.  She doesn’t think medication should be used without psychiatry, I can’t imagine what my life would look like if I’d been seeing a psychiatrist for the past two decades.  What a colossal waste of time it would have been for me and the doctor.  I’m good, I’m healthy, I just require medication to keep my body functioning and that doesn’t make me less of a person than her.

What I do like about it.

I love hearing about religions that I know little to nothing about.  I grew up in a very Catholic environment and while my family wasn’t religious AT ALL, my friends were and I’d attended Roman Catholic services and Mormon services and none of that ever rang true for me.  I married into an Anglican family (first time around) and while I had a lot of respect for the Pastor, it never connected with me.  However, listing to the Author talk about “connecting with God” and how “God dwells within all of us” it connects me to things I’d heard before “how we are made in His image” that it’s okay to be truly who we are as we are exactly as we are meant to be and that denying that would be an insult to God.  She uses the term God not in deference to the Catholic religion, just that is the word she is most comfortable with.  I cringed in the beginning as it’s not a word I’m comfortable with but she does reference other deities in trying to be inclusive in her descriptions so I appreciate that.

The bottom line is I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about a book before so the fact that it’s giving me such a strong positive and negative reaction is a good thing, means it’s making me think and feel.  That and I want to do Yoga and Meditate more.

Mental Health Awareness

I have no problem telling people that I’m diabetic.  That is due to genes and lifestyle, so in a nutshell, partially my fault.  However, I do hesitate to tell people that I suffer from mental health issues.  Even typing it out, it’s hard.  There is literally nothing I can do about it.  It’s either genetic or (like me) simply a freak of nature, but I still have a hard time telling people.

I’ve got a great life!  I’m married to the love of my life, I’ve got two amazing boys who I love and am so incredibly proud of.  I’ve got an awesome job, great friends, the ability and finances to live a good life in a great house.  From the outside looking in, I’ve got it all.

I’ve also got Bipolar Disorder.  20+ years ago when I was diagnosed it was called Manic Depressive with Anxiety.  I’d have high highs but scary lows.  I had a cry for help when I was 14.  It wasn’t a real suicide attempt; it truly was a cry for help when I opened my wrists on the opening night of my school musical when I was in grade nine.  I showed up at the show that night, in May with long sleeves on covering the bandages on my wrists.  I was rushed into one absolute ASSHAT of a psychiatrist who just kept asking me what drugs I was using.  I wasn’t using drugs, I had mental health issues that would go on for about another decade before someone finally figured it out.

Since my mid 20’s I’ve been on medication.  I’ve had to adjust the amounts over the years.  I’ve had to supplement with herbal remedies when I need a bit more help, but all in all, I’ve got it under control and I cannot tell you how incredibly lucky I feel about that.

Robin Williams

Kate Spade

Anthony Bourdain

They had it all.  Fame, success, family, access to all the medical help in the world.  Instead, they’re all dead.  They all gave in to the demon that drove them to think there was no help, no light at the end of the tunnel. 

If you ever need help, someone to listen, someone to help find you the help you need, I’m here.  I promise I will ALWAYS be here.  No matter how hard it gets, no matter where you are or where I am.  It doesn’t matter if you’re my child, my cousin, my friend or someone I know vaguely from Facebook or another internet site if you need me I promise to do whatever is in my power to help you.

https://suicideprevention.ca/

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

www.crisisservicescanada.ca

Our national shame.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-42997697

I don’t know how to process this.  I’ve sat there like Judgey McJudgerson looking at the US with their racial divides and wonder how it got that bad.  How do they tolerate such horrific treatment of black Americans?  Why can’t they all just get along and stop the racism?  Then a story like Colten Boushie comes along and reminds me that we’re (Canada) just as bad, if not worse in our treatment of our Indigenous People. 

We’ve put these people on reservations that are just like living in poverty.  We’ve taken their children away to “improve their quality of life” … with white parents.  Their drug and alcohol abuse rates are significantly higher than the average Canadian, along with their suicide rates.  We tend to look down our noses at “Native Canadians” as less than, and we seem to not be bothered by it.  We were raised to believe they were lazy, entitled, less-than … we were raised as racist bigots.  The treatment of these people is horrific, yet Canadians seem more concerned about any other suffering people in the world, rather than those on their own doorstep.

What bothered me most is the more I read about the crime and horrific miscarriage of justice, the more it came apparent that our laws are so outdated and designed to serve the white man, the sicker I felt.

·        The fact that the three young men in the car with the victim were taken into custody for questioning before the white man who SHOT the victim. 

·        The fact that the defence was able to dismiss any juror that appeared aboriginal at all to load the jury with white men SCREAMS of the injustices of early 1900 America.

·        The fact that Canada does not have laws allowing one to use deadly force yet still, this man literally got away with murder makes my stomach roll.

I’m outraged; I’m sickened but is it enough to spur action?  What can I do?   I know I can raise my children to not be bigots.  To not judge people based solely on the colour of their skin, or where they were born.  That every Canadian deserves the same access and protection to the law and that the laws that disadvantage a specific segment of the society need to change.

We must not let Colten die in vain.  I hope he becomes the catalyst for change for the betterment of the First Nations. 

Ok, so it’s time for me to get on my soapbox!

Look, let’s remove all the hyperbole and the political mudslinging and look at the situation as it stands.   When I heard that former PC Provincial Party Leader Patrick Brown had resigned his leadership over allegations of sexual misconduct I was hardly shocked.  It’s likely one of the worst-kept secrets in Barrie (PB’s home riding) that he’s a sleaze-ball in the bars and spends WAY too much money on printing for his propaganda.  When he was selected as the leader of the Provincial PC Party I groaned, rolled my eyes and said we’ll that’ll keep me off the PC bandwagon.

Now that the allegations are out, I see people asking “if everyone in Barrie knew why did they elect him?”  I can only answer with “some people suck”.  Rob Ford was elected and he was a drug-addicted slimeball who made fun of driving drunk and all around acted like an ass.  President Trump will “grab ‘em by the pussy” and he’s got one of the most powerful positions in the world.   People don’t care what happens to “others” as long as their own selfish needs are being met, it really is that simple.

So, the right-wingers and majority of scared males start with the “it’s the liberals doing this” … wow, that’d be a neat trick, but I honestly don’t think Kathleen Wynne is smart enough to pull this off.  The stories were genuine and heartfelt (something Wynne isn’t).  Then the … why did they wait 10 years?  Because until very recently the women coming forward were revictimized by victim blaming. 

“Why did the girls drink?” – because they were at a bar, that’s what you do.

“Why didn’t they say no?” – well, they actually did, very clearly.

“Why aren’t the police investigating?” – because sexual misconduct is not a crime, it’s a standard of conduct that we hold people in power too.  He was older, able to buy them drinks, give them jobs, have power over them and he used that.  He shouldn’t have, it was wrong.  This goes beyond single horny guy trying to get some, this is someone who plans to live their lives in the public eye as a leader, and a leader needs to be held to the highest standard.  When we don’t do that, we end up with President Trump!

Is Patrick Brown the worst sexual monster in the world?  Of course not, but he’s more than just a guy who gets shot down at bars, he uses his standing and power to try to get sexual acts out of young women, and that is simply wrong.

Not just ear pudding

In one morning, both of my favourite morning Radio Hosts managed to piss me off, causing me to change the station, for good.

It started with the announcement that Michelle Williams was paid $80 per day (per dieum) to reshoot scenes of her new movie “All the Money in the World” to put Christopher Plummer in to take out Kevin Spacey.  Kevin is now on the blacklist for his actions and lack of an authentic apology of allegations of previous sexual assault.  However, her co-star in the movie, Mark Whalburg needed $1.5 million dollars to participate in the reshoot, very clearly highlighting that there is an obvious wage disparity between the genders.  As Charlie finishes telling this story her cohost Dale breaks in with “I’m sick of this, all I have to say is that she needs a better agent”.  Charlie pretty much stopped talking as my jaw hit the floor.  I’m sorry old white man; you think you know how the world works?  Well guess what, Michelle Williams HAD the SAME agency as Markie Mark.  So it’s not just a “she should negotiate better” but rather SCREAMING out that women are not valued monetarily what men are.

I’m seething but I’m thinking, well, he may be an old, out of touch fart, but Charlie is still good.  Then … she proceeds to break my heart as she totes the amazing mothering advice with Kelly Clarkson who believes hitting children is a positive parenting trait.  WAIT, its 2018, you STILL believe that spanking your kid is ANYTHING other than you losing your control? 

Gross, thankfully I have B101, even if my favourite announcer from there went on a new path a few months ago, music is still good and you don’t get that echo chamber effect of idiots talking out of their asses.    Goodbye 107.5 Koolfm Barrie, and good riddance. 

One to grow on

Sometimes you get so mired in your own thoughts and ideas, you fail to recognize what’s right in front of you.  Last Halloween, we had a pumpkin carving contest at work.  My department (Marketing) won against Sales, Customer Service and the Warehouse teams.  We’re marketing creative and cool is what we do.  Then, two months later we had a gingerbread house building party.  Once again we were wildly creative but lost out to the Customer Service team.  I figured we paid the Marketing Penalty that we couldn’t win everything, and like our annual awards, it’s pretty much participation and who would win “this time”.    We’d built an awesome gingerbread house with a snowy lawn and a drunken snowball fight between snowmen and gingerbread men.  I was disappointed we didn’t win, but whatever …

Marketing

Customer Service - the winner

We missed the pumpkin carving this year, but they resurrected the gingerbread house contest.  One of my newer coworkers was appointed captain by our boss and she promptly picked a beach theme.  The team worked on this all week.  We planned, plotted, decorated, expanded and (we thought) knocked it out of the park.  We brought our creation out of the lab and scoped out the competition.  It wasn’t even close (in our minds) we had this with totally creative and out of the box thinking and design. 

Marketing 

Well, Customer Service won again.

We were stunned.  Their entry was pretty, but ours was EPIC.  I figured they were just playing nice with the Customer Service team that always takes shit and has a tough job.  Marketing and Sales get all the accolades and awards, the travel and the perks, so let CS have this?  That was all I could think.  Our Captain decided to dig further, whereas the rest of us had simply shrugged our shoulders and given up.  She decided to find out what the “scorecard” was.  Once she had that information it became very clear why the CS team had one and we had lost.  We had this “post-Christmas Santa getaway Beach house” theme, which wasn’t what the judges were looking for at all.  They were judging on “how Christmasy it was” which ours really wasn’t and “how nice the piping was” we didn’t have any piping.  That was the eye-opening moment for me.  We didn’t know where the goal post was, how the hell were we ever going to make the shot?  Instead of looking for what the judges wanted, we gave them what we wanted, and as a result, we lost.  It was an epiphany moment because that would relate to our work as well.  Instead of pushing what WE want on our customer, we need to really dig to find out what the customer WANTS that’s the only way to win.

So, next year, before we take a knife to pumpkin or icing to gingerbread, I’m going to find out what it’s going to be judged on, and do THAT.

Doing the mom thing right!

Following my friends on FaceBook, I often do the quizzes that my friends do, just to see how I fair, because the answers are sometimes hysterical or I just want to prove how epically Canadian I am.  Today a friend of mine did a word cloud.  I find these fascinating because it shows the words you often use and the more you use a word, the bigger it is in the cloud. 

Here is mine.

For a minute I was awash with guilt.  While both boys’ names are there, they’re TINY.  I thought “I can’t share that!” what will people think?  That I don’t talk about my kids enough?  Then it hit me.

• I’m not just a mom.
• I’m not just an employee.
• I’m not just a wife.
• I’m not just a family member.
• I’m not just a best friend.
• I’m not just a baseball fan.

I’m many things, all of the above and more.  I don’t live solely for my children and I’m not just “their mom”.  I’m a dynamic person with a lot of passions and apparently a lot of happiness.  BHE and I do a LOT of things together.  We go on adventures, we explore new things, and we get out and about so it’s obvious that he’d be the biggest name.  It’s obvious I’m living my best life full of love and happiness.

There’s no shame in my game.  I love my kids, they’re a very important part of my life and an important part of me, but I don’t live only for them, I live with them and they get to see what a happy and fulfilled parent looks like.  I know they’re happy and well loved and I’m thrilled with the balance and joy in my life.

Trust

It's one word, five letters; yet so powerful, so important, so easily damaged and so hard to repair.   I’ve had trust issues for most of my life.  My father is an ass.  Always has been, always will be.  For the last 20+ years that he’s been completely out of my life has been a blessing.  My ex-husband lost my trust early in the relationship and never even tried to regain it.  He lied, a lot or he’d purposely leave out pertinent information.  I didn’t trust him and it was a huge part of the demise of our marriage. 

In business, I’ve seen a lot of young bucks say “fake it until you make it”.  I remember doing that, I’d make up answers that sounded plausible, but I really didn’t know.  That burned me a few times and one of my best leaders taught me that “I don’t know, but I’ll find out and get back to you” is a WAY better answer than anything else I could say if I didn’t know.  Once people peg you as a liar, you lose their trust, and that’s ridiculously hard to earn back.

TCW (Toxic CoWorker) is a liar.  I’ve caught her a number of times either blatantly lying to cover her ass or getting hyperbolic and blowing things way out of proportion.  Now, I simply ignore her.  I know I can’t trust her.  It’s a shame; a lot of people do trust her and end up getting burned by her over and over again.  I did, in the beginning, but I’ve since learned my lesson.  It really sucks, having to keep your eye on someone who will knife you in the back faster than she’ll even smile at you.  She’s not even subtle about it.  I walked past her bitching about me to FCW (Flakey CoWorker) in FCW’s office with the door open.  She’d not said a word to me, but she’d bitched about me to one of the sales guys (who told me) so I knew what she was complaining about. 

Two weeks ago TCW was out with that Sales Guy and one of our US colleagues.   She’d texted me in the middle of the day “Do you know where Staples HO is?”  *sigh* again, complete lack of manners drives me absolutely bat-shit.  I was tempted to simply ignore her text, but there was no need to punish SG or USC because she’s a cow.  I simply responded with “yes” but at the same time emailed the address to her and SG.  Apparently, she exploded in the car calling me all sorts of names (she didn’t look at her email).  She texted back “please” and I immediately responded with “already emailed it to you”.  She was complaining about what a bitch I was to FCW, I just looked at both of them, smirked and walked away.

She’s taught me that no matter how nice she can appear I cannot trust her.   She also reminds me that I don’t want to lose other people's trust.  It’s very important, and obviously more important that she knows.  I've finally got a marriage based on trust, love and respect.  I've built a reputation at work based on trust, respect and quality.  I know and respect its value.  

Rising from the ashes

Following up from yesterday.

http://www.680news.com/2017/05/18/pillar-suspended-2-games-yelling-homophobic-slur/

In a nutshell, he's been suspended for two games and appears embarrassed and sorry for using a homophobic slur.  I understand that he felt it was "in the heat of the moment", but that's a word you should never reach for unless you're compiling a bundle of sticks!  

I'm not ready to burn my Kevin Pillar bobble head in effigy, but rather watch, and see what becomes of this.  He apologized to the pitcher, he apologized to the other team, but most importantly he's apologized to the LGBTQ community who are most affected by this.  People screw up, and hopefully, he's learned that words do matter and he should take such horrific words out of his vocabulary.

He can learn and grow from this, a LOT of people (based on the reaction online) can learn and grow from this.  

When your hero falls

http://www.cbc.ca/sports/baseball/mlb/kevin-pillar-blue-jays-1.4121088

Over the past 3 years, LML and I have become big Blue Jays fans and our favourite player is #11 Kevin Pillar.  We enjoyed ourselves on our annual Mothers Day game, watching KP bang out a solo home run at the bottom of the 9^th with 2 out to break the tie and win the game.  YAAAAAAAY.

Driving to work this morning, I heard that in the “heat of the moment” he hurled a homophobic slur f----t at the pitcher for the Atlanta Braves.  My jaw hit my lap and my heart sank to my stomach.  All I hear on the radio was “I’m a competitive guy” “it was the heat of the moment” “I won’t let this define me” “we need to move on”.  I was heartbroken.  He was making excuses, and it didn’t sound apologetic at all.  It’s slightly better in the article, he does say he’ll reach out to the pitcher to apologize, but he needs to more.  I believe he understands what he did was wrong, but I don’t think he realizes HOW wrong.  It’s just as bad as a racial or religious slur.  You’re degrading someone for simply who they are.  I hope he really opens himself up to the experiences of those discriminated against solely because who they love and learn what he said is horrific.  I need to see more than one quick article about him moving on.  He has the opportunity to grow from this.  I really hope he does, because if this simply “goes away” I’m going to stop cheering for someone like that. 

I don’t want my team to be the league villains, but they’re heading there in a hurry.  Looks like we’ll have to switch to basketball in the 6ix!  Goodness knows we’ll never be hockey fans here.  I really hope the League punishes him for this.