I’m looking
forward to my wedding in 2015 with a great deal of excitement. I’m fortunate enough to have found the love
of my life, and he loves me back. He
treats me like a princess and a person.
He has a great deal of respect for me, what I do, and more importantly
who I am. He calls me SuperMom (one of
my favourite compliments) and is always honest with me. I not only trust him with my heart, I trust
him with my boys and my life.
But of
course, this isn’t my first rodeo, or trip down the aisle. I did it, almost 20 years ago, believing it
would be the only time I would ever get married. I was marrying a man I respected and loved,
and that was enough, or so I thought. I
look back and it’s not all my fault, nor is it his entire fault why the
marriage didn’t work. We were simply two
people so broken together, nothing could repair us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m forever grateful we
didn’t work out, so that I could find the love of my life. I spent literally decades asking “is this all
there is? Is this all that marriage is?”
I was lonely, I wanted someone who WANTED to BE with me, and my ex-husband
didn’t. He wanted me to mother his children, and be
successful in my career, but he didn’t want to share a life.
I can see so
clearly where we went wrong, and I WILL NOT make those mistakes again.
1.
When you make mistakes, OWN THEM.
This was a huge mistake on both our
parts. You can never recover from a lie
/ mistake / betrayal if you don’t completely own it. If you aren’t honest with your partner about
what happened, you can’t be truly sorry, and you cannot be truly forgiven. I believe this is fear driven most of
all. When you have to admit to someone
very close how badly you screwed up, you actually have to face it
yourself. Avoidance is easier, but in
the long term, it’s poison and allows the act to fester and rot.
2.
Make your partner a priority.
Not an afterthought, not a problem,
but someone important in your life. Fall
in love with someone you want to DO things with, someone you want to be
physically close to as much as possible.
I’m not saying you have to be joined at the hip, and absolutely EVERY
activity needs to be shared, but don’t forgo your partner at the expense of
other interests. Make sure you get some quality couple
time. It’s so easy to get lost in the
business of everyday life. With children,
homes, jobs, friends, families, interest … so many things to do and organize,
it’s critical that you carve out some time together to connect. Maybe a coffee on a Sunday morning while the
kids are playing or watching cartoons, a dinner out if you can swing it, or
just sitting together talking while the kids play at the park. So many opportunities to not only be together
but to connect together that get lost in the shuffle, so instead of saying no,
learn to say yes to these times.
3.
The small things count.
Yes, everyone loves big extravagant
presents, grandiose gestures of love, and to be spoiled rotten, but often the
small things, the simplest of gestures (while providing your mutual friends
with great opportunity to post DI-A-BEE-TUS gifs on your facebook feed), go a
LONG way in making your loved one feel as special as they deserve to be. Buy a little gift or card, and put it
somewhere they’ll see it if you can’t be there to welcome them home at the end
of the day. Do their laundry and put it
away without expecting a HUGE thank you (or the proverbial parade). Tell them that they make you happy, or just
smile at them and tell them you love them out of the blue. Yes, the big weddings and vacations and
purchases are fun, but it’s the small things that bind you together.
4.
Don’t try to live to the standards of others.
I made this mistake for so long. I did what I thought others expected me to
do. Hell, I didn’t even ask or get told
what to do; I took guesses and just did that.
I shake my head now at the stupidity of it all. I let go of the need to be judged and valued
by others and learned what it took to make ME happy. I don’t worry about “keeping up with the
Jones’ “or anyone else. I just do what
makes me, my partner and my family happy.
The bottom line is that happiness is
truly a choice, granted, often not an easy one as you cannot please everyone
else and yourself all the time. When I
did finally decided that my happiness was important, and recognized what it was
going to take to get there I turned my life upside down. It was one of the smartest things I’ve ever
done. I’m happier, my kids are happier,
my partner is happy, my employer is happy that I’m happy, as are my family and
friends. I do not regret one day of my
past, as it’s brought me to where I am now, and I’m truly happy. It took a LOT for me to be able to say that,
but I really am!
