Early in the pandemic, I read, “We’re all in the same storm, but riding it out on different boats”, and I’ve carried that along with me.  I’m seeing my feed fill up with people upset that they’re sending kids back to in-school learning that will lead to the third wave and it’s going to undo all the work we’ve done. 

I get it and they are right. 

I’ve also seen people relieved because distance learning is hard.  It’s hard for kids to sit at a screen and try to focus, it’s hard on the kids who thrive on classmate interaction and socialization.  It’s hard on the mental health of the students, teachers, and parents. 

I get it, they’re right.

Both boys have been in distance learning since March 2020.  I’m high risk and have been working from home since then.  While Ethan has been successful, he’s feeling left behind and cannot take the courses he wants remotely.  He ended up with two courses last semester that was never one of his choices.  He asked to go back this month, and I agreed.  Jackson, however, hasn’t been as successful with remote learning.  I’m not going to lay it all on his shoulders or all on his teachers, but the first half of this school year would have been more productive with Jack playing cards to practice math and going for walks to learn about geography.  We all decided it would be best for him to return to in-school learning this month.  The saving grace is that he’s been assigned to one of the BEST teachers in his school for the remainder of the year.  I see a dramatic turnabout coming.

I’m anxious, I know they’ll be anxious.  We have to improve our Covid protocols at the front door.  They really haven’t left the house with the exception of going to their fathers since the summer.  I didn’t even bother buying them winter gear … and darn it I’m scrambling to find boots and snow-pants now.  There’s so much unknown and while I’d rather have them both home until there is mass vaccination, it’s not realistic for either of them, and I have to accept that.

 

Pandemic Fine
(noun)

It’s living through a global pandemic while maintaining your job and your health while still feeling tired, worried, and just done with everything.

 

It’s okay, I’m “fine”.

 

The unexpected blog post

I came here today with a post about the pandemic, about being a parent and employee, and the challenges therein.  Then I saw it’s been over a year since I last posted.  The ironic part is today is the one year anniversary of Michael’s funeral.  That box has opened for me and I can grieve him now.  I can be grateful he’s no longer in pain, but I can also miss him. 

One of the gifts he gave me during our friendship with the love of the band “Elbow”.  He introduced me to this wonderful English band.  He actually bought me tickets for Christmas one year as they were in concert in Toronto.  BHE has even bought tickets when they returned a few years back.  The songs are wonderful stories that are beautifully written and fantastically sung.  There is little else that makes me feel closer to him than when I listen to Elbow.  It took about 6 months after the last blog post where I could listen to my favourite tracks without immediately falling apart.  Just knowing what’s happened is helped me heal.  I will always miss him, but the pain is healing because I know.

On the other hand, I still never received confirmation of Michaela.  One of my coworkers was a friend of hers as well (I introduced them).  My coworker lives very near where Michaela did with one of her sisters.  Michaela had two sisters who work as teachers in that area.  About a year ago my coworker noticed that one of Michaela’s sisters would be teaching at her youngest daughter’s school.  After a lot of thought and discussion, she emailed Michaela’s sister to explain that her daughter knew Michaela and would likely recognize the last name and to inquire as to what happened.  It would seem that it is the family trait as she never responded to my coworkers' email.  I wasn’t surprised but I was saddened and Michaela remains in this little box.

One of the bright spots is that during the past year Nicole’s widower found a new love and got married.  Now a lovely woman and a doting father are raising her boys.  I know she’s looking down fondly at all of them.  I can genuinely smile when I see her name pop up on my Facebook memories and I know I was truly blessed to have known and loved such a dear friend.

Schrodinger’s Friends

This is where I am at right now.  It is not a fun place to be.  Cancer; it sucks, we all know it sucks.  You know else, sucks, not knowing if someone you love is dead or alive.  I’ve had three hard cancer hits in the past few years.

Nicole – beautiful and brilliant mother of two.  Close to my age, her boys are close to my boys’ age.  Bile duct cancer (green ribbon).  When she was diagnosed, we all followed her journey.  Watched her battle like a warrior.  Watched her fight like her life depended on it, because it did.  She lost that battle and I felt a feeling of sorrow I’d never felt before.  Sad for her children who lost her.  Sad for her husband who loved her so much.  Sad for myself, and our group of friends, who had that beautiful light extinguished.  Sometimes a memory will come up on Facebook with her and I’m finally getting to that place where I remember her with love, instead of just the overwhelming sadness.  I miss her, I will always miss her, but I can mourn her properly.

Michaela – a beautiful and tortured soul who stood by my side as I went through one of the ugliest and hardest parts of my life.  While I tore my life to pieces, she always loved me for who I was, not who I tried to be.  With that help, I learned to love myself the same way.  She was forever off-balance, a wanderer (but not always lost), often uncomfortable in her how skin and constantly struggled to find her place in this world.  Breast Cancer (pink ribbon) of all things.  The irony was beyond painful.  I remember when she sat on the couch with me and cried as she told me.  Again, I believed she would prevail and my only real concern was that she would choose not to fight.  I was so grateful when she chose chemo.  I was certain she would be fine.  Caught early enough it can be treated.  My former mother in law won her battle, my former sister in law too.   She was younger and stronger than both of them.  She was my maid of honour at my wedding, she was my voice of reason often and when all else failed, my soft place to land.  I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.  She no longer responds to my texts.  I’ve searched her name for obituaries but haven’t found it.  She’s in Schrodinger’s box and it hurts.

Michael – a dear friend in a faraway land.  We have had a long and close friendship for over 15 years.  I remember the day my youngest was born, he called me while I was in labour.  I’d been in the hospital for over a week and he’d call me daily to keep me company.  I told him we would always be friends.  He’d know what University my child would go to.  I watched both of his children get married, the birth of his first grandchild.  I know the struggles with his wife, but he loved her dearly and would never leave her.  We watch me struggle with being me.  He supported me through my divorce and was thrilled that I found the love of my life and cheered me along all the way.  He’d always worked so hard for everything he had.  Finally, he was at a place in his life where he could enjoy his properties, his family, his life.  Brain cancer (grey ribbon).  He was given 3-6 months and that was 15 months ago.   We live on different continents.  I’d tried to keep up the cheerful, chatty emails but the responses got fewer and fewer over the months.  On Christmas day I reached out with a Merry Christmas note and got a terse note back that he was in the hospital.  I haven’t heard anything since.  I follow his Facebook page for news.  I follow his family’s pages for news.   A few brief, sad posts last week that make me worried he’s come to his end, and I’ll never know.  He’s in Schrodinger’s box too, and it really hurts.

In both cases, I don’t want to reach out to the families.  I don’t want to bring up any more pain than they’re already going through.  I’m not important in these situations, they are and I respect that the most.  Knowing where the end gives you a point to begin to heal and move on.  Maybe one day I’ll get closure, but until then, I’ll run my fingers along the tattoo on my left arm I got for the three of them.  

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

The moral conundrum

What do you do when the idiotic provincial government makes changes that do benefit you and your children but also damage the educational opportunities for the poorest in the province?  Our Premier announced a reduction of tuition fees for Ontario Students.  Cool, with possibly two kids attending post-secondary education within the next decade, that’s literally music to my ears.  I actually thought “wow, that doofus did something good” but of course that surprise was quickly replaced with disgust when I’d found out the rest of the changes he’d made.

BlogTO Article

While he’s reducing tuition by up to 10%, he’s eliminating grants for lower-income students and removing the grace period that the loans need to be paid back.  While a Post-Secondary student could continue to focus on their studies and work to get a job in their respective field after graduation, that’s no longer the case as they immediately need to start repaying their loan once they graduate.

The question is: do I complain, protest, try to affect change?  The changes they’ve made directly affect my children in a positive way, shouldn’t I just be happy with that?  Brings me back to the time where the Prime Minister (who I support) changed the child tax laws ending my monthly payment while at the same time, doubling or tripling the payment to the lowest income families.  I had a coworker ask me if I was mad and I just shrugged.  I didn't need it, and I bet it went a long way to help out those other families so I was just fine with it.

He knows me

Yesterday BHE decided to take an impromptu vacation day.  After coming down and seeing my cranky butt for lunch, he went to his work, booked off the day and went home.  The gifts were excited to see him as he was on nights this week, and they miss him when they don’t get to see him.  I’ll admit, I was really looking forward to going home as I knew he was going to be there.  This week is my “single mom” week where BHE works nights and I only get to see him for lunch (one day, sometimes twice) and on weekend.  His job has always been like this.  I’m used to it, while I’d rather he works straight days, it’s a good job and he is amazing at it.

  

Last night, I get home and I’m still in full single mom mode.  Figuring out how to feed the gifts, get the oldest to and from his rehearsal on the other end of town, realizing I don’t have to drag the youngest gift out because BHE is there.  I’m dropping things in hallways and on counters, looking around, checking the time, in my usual “just got home from work fluster” and BHE is standing in the kitchen, looking at me with his arms open.  He wants to give me a hug.  All of a sudden I melt into his arms and time slows down.  I take a deep breath and hug him.  Enjoying his warm, loving the connection, relaxing.  He knows me, better than I know myself.  He gets me to slow down, calm down and relax when I need it.

 

I always say he’s my rock.  I truly am the luckiest woman ever. 

Some days’ shine, but this one has been epic!

Ok, we all know that for the most part, I’m a generally happy person who enjoys herself.  The Love of My Life (LML) works really hard to make sure we have epic adventures and fun times.  Just over the past few weeks, we’ve got to a few musicals, an amazing concert, wonderful Christmas parties, etc.  My feed is often filled with shiny happy me and LML and often the gifts as well.

While the light in my life often shines brightly today has been absolutely amazing and feel like this needs to be documented for posterity, or at least a reminder when I hit one of those crappy days.

·        My drive to work was quick and uneventful.  When you have an hour commute through the snow belt in winter you enjoy the peaceful drives.

·        LML has found a new series of books for me to listen to on the phone during my drive and they’re just awesome!  I almost want to be stuck in traffic so I can listen a little more.

·        Two of my favourite Instagram woodworkers came into the office today to see one of my coworkers (woodcare manager) and I busted in on their meeting so I could get these amazing guys on board with some of my products I thought they’d find helpful.  They’re absolutely delightful and I laughed … A LOT during this hour.

·        LML came out and took me out to lunch to my FAVOURITE pizza place AND we both have leftovers.

·        One of our newest hires turns out to be one of the BEST cosplayers around!  She’s actually used some of my products in her costume making and HOLY CRAP she’s absolutely amazing.  I can’t WAIT to show the gifts her account.

·        Another of my favourite DIY Diva’s came in for a visit.  She just lights up the place and makes me smile.

That’s not even it.  I have a relatively easy day, I should leave on time and I’ll listen to more of that book on my way home, then get to have dinner with two of the prettiest ladies in my life.

I’ve been mired in work, stress, tired, fighting sickness, dealing with the impending death of one of my best friends so it seems pretty dark lately.  Today got a whole lot brighter and it’s fed, my soul!

Preconceived notions and growing beyond your comfort zone

LML and I went on an adventure last week.  He likes to find new and cool things and completely throw himself into them.  His passions are EPIC and it is so much fun to get swept up in the excitement of a new discovery.  About 2 years ago he discovered high-end custom hunting knives.  He’s not a knife maker nor a hunter, but he learned all about these beautiful works of art and after months of research purchased his first one.  No, understand these aren’t cheap by any stretch of the imagination.  They’re made in the USA and built by hand.  Each one slightly unique and designed to perfection.  It’s getting harder and harder to find handcrafted, lifetime warranty perfection, but he found it in these knives.

One of the other things about this group is what a community it is.  The particular knife maker LML was purchasing from has three “Grind-Ins” per year.  This is an opportunity for the knife enthusiast to come to the facility in northern Michigan to make their very own knives.  They have been holding these events for 14 years and they’re highly in demand.  We have actually been on the waiting list to attend for 18 months.  They tend to book up quickly!

If you know me, hunting, guns, knives, camo … these really aren’t “my thing”.  I’m much more comfortable in a dress, eating a gourmet meal and going to the symphony, so this was certainly out of my comfort zone.  LML was really excited about this, so I didn’t really give it much thought other than booking hotels and plotting routes for driving.  As we pulled into the facility on the first day, we’re behind a really big pickup truck and I groan.  The truck had stickers on it that said “Hillary for Prison” and NRA.  Oh crap.  I didn’t give much thought to the demographics of the attendees.  I’m very liberal, can’t stand the NRA on principle (to be clear, my issue is not with guns, but with the organization).  I think the current President of the USA is an overgrown toddler doing WAAAAAYYYYYY more damage than good.  I think I just landed in Trump-land and I’m likely going to lose a large part of my tongue from biting it.

The first night we’re there it’s a mixer.  We don’t know anyone.  They’re drinking lite American beer and many are smoking.  Yep, not my crowd.  I’m getting anxious, realizing I’m totally out of my element and worried that this was a big mistake.  However, LML kept me calm, and we had an okay time that first time, although I was rather relieved to get back to the hotel and to my glass of wine.

Ok, Techy, time to put on your big girl panties and make this an awesome adventure.  The second day we arrived early, and sat and waited for the safety talk.  The doughnut I had there was the size of my head and definitely kept me full until lunch.  We had our safety talk and were set loose.  LML and I got split up because we wanted to do different things.  I’m very much a “figure out what’s going on and do it as efficiently as possible” type of person, so I’d ask people what my next step was as I walked my knife through this process.  At this event, you could do as much or as little as you were comfortable with, and I basically spent the day documenting my machete’s creation.  I relaxed and started to chat with the people queuing up with me.  A lovely young man from New Jersey, a nice lady from DC.  We talked about knives and where we were from and I really started to enjoy myself.  Out of the 86 people who attended I was the 13^th (my lucky number) to finish.  WOW, I wasn’t expecting that at all.  The first 45 knives done got a gift card to one of their distributors.  I sassily walked back to LML who was still way behind me and showed off my gift card, then handed it to him.

We had lunch with another awesome Financial Banker from Grand Rapids MI and I was really enjoying myself.  I jumped back in to start my second knife so I was way ahead of schedule.  As I waited for LML to finish his knife, I sat down at a table with a lovely man in his 70’s and he told me stories of the history of the local area and his childhood.  I was absolutely enthralled, it was like speaking to my grandfather again (ok, without the Scottish accent and there’s NO WAY Grandpa would have been a hunter) but I truly enjoyed it.  When the gentleman found out I was Canadian he very quickly went on to clarify that he thought the President was bad and hoped we didn’t all think Americans were like Trump or supported him.  I was shocked, and very pleasantly surprised.  I assured him that I had a number of American friends who had already clarified that for me.

Then, just when I think we’ve got this thing licked, I made the HORRENDOUS mistake of having dinner with two other Canadian attendees.  They were loudmouthed and brash, saying they’d put a bullet in our Prime Minister’s head given the chance.  Ok, I had walked into this event worried about the brash American rednecks and the only jerk’s I’d discovered were from my homeland.  UGH.

I tried my best to avoid those men for the rest of the adventure and spend time talking to some of the other fascinating attendees.  A pair of very “alternative” chicks, tattoos and piercings, who were sleeping in a Teepee and riding bikes around.  Admiring the knives being created and generally enjoying myself.  LML was right, as soon as I relax and start talking to people I have a really good time.  Except for those two jerks from Hamilton, I hope I never see or hear them again!